|
TOURIST TANTRUMS
One in three British couples admit to having a blazing row on holiday, a survey reveals. Most happen in the first two days of the holiday. The British survey of 800 people by travel agent Thomas Cook also found that one in ten didn't feel like their holiday had started until day three of the trip. And a fifth of those who argue were those who were under most strain from work or relationships. Philip Hodson, of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says, "Travel itself may be stressful, but more important is our biological difficulty in making the transition from work to play. It's a kind of jet lag of the spirit." We have all been there. Holiday rows are commonplace and essential for everybody to get into a holiday mood. We have reality shows now that teach us how to go berserk on holiday. “Airport” is a whole TV series devoted to showing holidaymakers as pedantic prats as the ground staff remain calm and collected. While we become madder than a wet hen on a hot griddle they patronise you as if you are an adult with a learning difficulty. They are so cool, that they, in turn make your blood boil. Maybe it is inappropriate to become abusive and skittish, but they have no idea what we bleating passengers have been through. Namely 50 weeks of the year working for a complete tosser. Up since 3 a.m. Rushour deadlock. Roadrage. Petrol station rage. Welcome Break rage. Children rage. Wrong navigation rage. Or just generally just being outraged by each other.
I remember my only experience with Easyjet. A tardy little outfit that chose orange for their aircrew attire. So very last Millenium. Have you also noticed that this gaudy uniform seems to be in direct competition with B&Q Retail staff shopwear? Actually, the ‘togs’ are almost identical. So much so, I went into the famously cheap and cheerful DIY store on one occasion and as I approached a homosexual (not in that way) who was dressed in a tight orange coverall, I enquired after a tungsten set of drill bits and instead, he gave me a profiterole and a pair of dodgy earphones. Likewise, when I flew to Greece I asked the hostess for an E.T.A and she gave me some laminated flooring and a gas bar-B-Q. We all make mistakes.
Window or Aisle? (Or, you’ll what?)
It was bloodiest scene since the time a hungover, Attila the Hun, held a fondue party with his captive’s testicles as a main dish. What ensued was a suicidal stampede to get a seat by people who were apparently, dragged up by their Mothers, or Germans. Because no seats are designated, it’s every man, women and child for themselves. These people will use whatever means to get a decent seat. Chivalry, believe me, is dead when you face the sheer ignorance of people who prove by their common lack of courtesy that they have more right to be there than you.
As I said to one passenger who practically threw herself in front of me, elbowing me in the face. “Well, excuse me, that was my seat. Err, how long have you been out of charm school?” She just twisted her lips with indifference and wiggled her fat arse further into the wedge.
I protested, “There’s a queue, sweetheart, and you are not in it.” Her husband turned and grimaced at me, with that look of a psychopath with a gaping wound for a brain and short of medication, and ‘gave me the finger’, with the curt reply “Sit on this, then, pal!”
So, I was not impressed with Easyjet’s clientele. A mix of individuals from the ghettos of our country and with the decorum of diesel. A tangle of snarling, shell-suited cretins with the combined IQ of a mongoose. Unshaven, stinking of Old Spice with tattoos and string vests and that was just the women. I am not discriminating but if you asked most of them what a stereotype was they would say, ‘Hitachi’. Cheap flights means people from the dregs of humanity turn up. I’m not a bigot or snob. I still pay for a window cleaner and shop at Netto’s. I even let out of work people roll me a fag, but why is all that money spent on electricity lighting up Blackpool if the people don’t just stay there?
I love all humans as long as I don’t have to sit next to them laughing like a bath emptying after they have downed a dozen Malibu’s and sounding like they are drowning when they eventually fall sleep.
I looked out to see our luggage being loaded onto the plane by previously ‘striking’ baggage handlers and watched with horror men ‘drop kicking’ our suitcases through the hatch. They saw me gawping with anger at their reckless disrespect of my property, and I made a protest by tapping on the tiny window from my seat. The oafs just laughed and made ‘fish in a bowl’ facial expressions jumping all over my suitcase even more. I was eventually re-united with my ‘breakables’ proving they definitely do and can only assume a baggage handler must think ‘foreplay’ is flinging his girlfriend around by her tits, all 360 degrees and then letting her go, off the top of a multi storey carpark.
Then you are subjected to ‘Mr Motivator’ doing the in-flight cardio vascular exercises from the overhead video. I don’t know about the rest of the passengers but I would rather have a stroke at 30,000 feet than make an exhibition of myself. Next, the safety pep-talk followed by the mandatory silly card of survival information if the plane should ‘ditch’. This of course is conveniently situated right under your seat and shows a cartoon illustration of a row of people with their heads between their legs kissing their arse good bye. Food arrives in a time-pod, looking like a Hi-Fi cleaning kit. The woman next door creates her own vapour trail as she eats and unwittingly grabs your arm or leg sinking inch-long fibreglass fingernails into them at the slightest suggestion of turbulence making you wish you had worn chain-mail and not the usual ‘landing gear’.
Then there is always the bloke, who is up and down, the entire flight, ‘rootling’ about in his bag just above your head so you have his crutch in your face every five minutes. Perhaps, if I had ‘nuzzled’ him a few times he would quit that. Then again more frightening if he didn’t and used any excuse to try and pop it in my gob. Not that I’m homophobic but only when it’s thrust in your face all the time. Next time it happens I’m gonna shake the coke I bought and just flip your ring in his direction.
Then the muppet in front devours his meal in a hurry and decides to recline horizontally, spilling your coffee into your crotch from the tray, scalding your ‘Jacobs’. You jump up with the searing heat sizzling your groin and a matching pair of expletives. The jerk says, “Do you mind not using that language in front of my child” (A sticky pink thing with a full rotary head to his left). You then simulate uncontrollable sneezing over his head. He gets the message and with a jolt pulls his seat forward leaving the treacle pudding evenly spread across your shirt.
Suggestion: Next time wait for the next air pocket and throw up, down the back of his neck.
I’m no lover of air travel. Especially when the pilot does a pancake landing. When he bids his goodbyes to the dazed passengers I feel like asking him, “Are you one of these people who can’t throw a Frisbee?”
Another suggestion: Get your own back on the pilot. Stand by the cockpit and play with your mobile. Flipping the menu search, up and down, can make the plane roll and pitch effectively. The craft becomes your very own virtual video game, but more actual than virtual.
When emotions run ‘skyhigh.’
Then the fiddle arse who wants to hog the air vents. To prevent this becoming an irritating episode again, on your next flight, carry a box of confetti and sneaking your arm behind your neighbours unsuspecting head, sprinkle the contents liberally and then watch the fun when he f*cks about with the funnels again.
I have had full blown arguments with travel companies when an incredibly cheap holiday changes into a ‘rip off’ because of insurance, airport tax and fuel fees. I think this is quite a new phenomenon. With Easyjet and other, so called cheap flight operators, these, shall we say, ‘under- advertised’ fees, very often represent far more than you had budgeted for. Sometimes twice the price of the initial flight.
Here is a good internal flight scam to get your own back for all the negative and trying situations we have mentioned. Not to mention other scenarios that have not been mentioned that need no mention, mentioning no names.
Here is a live tip on how to fly up and down America for nothing.
Courtesy of www.totse.com
How to get free airline tickets and how to make some money selling them! By Garraty. The best time of the year to do this is,
A) In March/April when schools are going on Spring Break and college kids are heading off to the fun in the sun,
B) When the cold is so cold that your toes have turned a shade of blue only anoptometrist would recognize. (i.e. November/December).
Go to the major airline or your choice, most major airlines are pretty good a bout this, but don't keep repeating it to the same one over and over again. BUY a ticket, round trip to destination: Sunny Place, USA. (ie. Florida, or some place where EVERYONE wants to go that time of year), then with cash, shell out the plane fare ... (Don't worry... you'll get that back...) Then... when that March or April day comes around (you better time this JUST right!) ... wait for all the DELAY signals the airlines give you... eventually they will come around to passengers and ask if they would like to wait until the next flight, so that they can make space on the plane. IF THIS HAPPENS, JUMP! ask to be placed on the next flight out... they will issue you a bump ticket.(more on this later). If you DON’T get any DELAYS, you don't get and requests for a WAIT FOR NEXT FLIGHT and you don't see any real big time need for space on the plane, then CANCEL your reservations... you get the cash back, because, until you actually step on the plane, you ticket is only a reservation, and not a sale... MAKE SURE n get refunds! Make SURE that if you cancel, you only do this LAST MINUTE.Bump Tickets (AKA the Free Trip anywhere).You hear about these everywhere, but here is how they work. An airline will make you wait at the terminal for the next AVAILABLE plane out (which may be 6 hours later) and they issue you a "bump tickets" to repay you for your troubles. With this "ticket" d, cancel your reservations, and walk out with money in pocket and a free ticket. This ticket will be issued with your name on it, so make sure that when you buy the actual ticket, you give your actual name,unless you have plans for this new ticket. If you want to sell a "bump ticket", most airlines will require you to sign something or for the user of the ticket to ONLY be the person who’s name is on the ticket, in which case a good $30 fake ID will be very able to do the job (such as a state ID made by any passport service...), it will pay for itself. Bump tickets have a value of about $100 resale, since they are sometimes harder than others to sell (and to use to get a boarding pass). When you go to the airport next time, checkout ALL the major airlines, and find out what there policy is on Bump Tickets and Cancelled flight/Reservations. Also, see if you can do this much prior to the rush season, that way youcan see what time of the year is busiest... try a travel agent, and just ask them "I'd like to take a flight from Boston to Miami" or "from Chicago to Atlanta Los Angeles:" and ask "What is the worst time of the year to travel, and when are the rates the highest?”. From there, it's all up to you... you have you to find out WHAT airline's are the best for doing this. what time of year, and what day SPECIFICALLY it will happen on. Return time does not matter. This year, 1990, most high school students get out on April take flights to the South on April 13th-15th and return on the 22nd-23rd. Try some guesswork for this December break, remember... One flight out near Christmas time is going to be VERY difficult to get, so RESERVE EARLY... for a sure fire sell out, get December 23rd or 24th, or better yet, January 1st in the afternoon... remember TIME COUNTS too! 5-6PM flights are usually the busiest for Boston or to Miami. See ya soon! And have fun... this may or may not be legal, but it's sure a great money making opportunity... make 5 reservations that day under different names... that way you spend 5 times as much initialy, but get back 5 round trip tickets, or less... depending on availabity of flight and cancelations. Adios.-Garraty 47 (Maine's Own)
Remember: Just because you are not in the cockpit doesn’t mean you are not in charge of whats going on. Here are some more hints for the air traveller.
Smaller airports may mean cheaper fares but, alas, more often than not, means longer trips to get to and from. The earlier you book the cheaper the ticket. (Generally) Return tickets are always better value than singles. Always fly in unsociable hours for a keen deal. The cheapest days to fly are Tuesday Wednesday or Saturday.
If your flight is cancelled, reserve another a.s.a.p. Don’t delay or get trampled in your endeavours. Use a credit card to book flights, so if your flight hits the sea like a burning spitfire, you will be sure to be covered for a refund, and sometimes you luggage will be insured too. The airline is obliged (under the terms of the Warsaw convention and Tannoy) to have you on your flight with the minimum of delay. “Unreasonable time’ is gauged at 6 hours for long haul flights. If it is unavoidable circumstances i.e. bad weather, drunken pilot, or no wings or tyres, then this is reasonable justification for a delayed flight. If lots of seamen are found on the seats already, then it is unlikely you can claim any compensation. The aircrew won’t want a mass debate about your problem. But if the alternative reasons for delay are just a little suspect! Ask to be refunded.
Here are some excuses to be aware of.
The desk girl finds a ‘Y’ in your day of departure.
Hari Krishna literature is obscuring the pilot’s vision.
The co-pilot is shagging his favourite cabin crew member and both men are found in the Captain’s cockpit fighting over the joystick.
That the next non-stop flight has missed our runway completely.
There are new cracks on the tarmac.
It’s the wrong kind of snow. There are leaves on the runway.
The crow scarer has frightened off some of the more old and ugly hostesses.
One of the male aircrew has broken a nail.
The baggage handlers have not finished sharing a spliff.
No 4 carousel has jammed with all the amount of sushi on it.
The automatic pilot has not boarded yet.
The pilot’s catheter has burst.
Some navel lint has been sucked in by No2 engine.
Air traffic control have been operating the tower with their feet as well, due to a shortage of staff.
An terrorist has been mistaken for an asylum seeker.
The head of customs is being strip searched.
A bunch of Geordies at the bar are trying to buy beer with Air-miles.
Head of Security is being strip-searched too.
All the male aircrew are strip searching each other.
The hostesses are strip-searching the pilots.
The pilot’s wives are strip-searching their husbands.
Terrorists are strip-searching the passengers on Flight 47.
The airport kitchen staff are strip-searching the terrorists because they wonder where all their T-towels have disappeared.
Ground fire-crew are strip-searching the cleaner because they are just plain fecking bored.
Delays are unavoidable due to hungry Californian surfers all waiting for the next Microwave.
Some Hippies have got too high before before their flight and its nothing to do with altitude.
Now it’s your jolly turn.
You can devise your own excuses to delay your own plane if you simply hate flying.
Read on.
Two scantily clad female backpackers have fallen asleep in your lap, facedown, and you haven’t the heart to wake them up.
You suffered a nosebleed when their rugby playing boyfriends, turned up.
You left your passport at the detention centre.
You have already seen the in-flight movie.
You are a witch and see ‘dead people’ all the time, and that’s why it is taking so long to get checked in at this particular desk.
Your baggage trolley lost control and tried to mate with a cleaning cart.
Other trolleys soon wanted to join in.
You were arrested for not paying money at the toilet turnstile, forcing you to defecate a couple of metres short of your target onto a small child.
The lavatory steward caught you smoking and asked you to place your butt in the bin provided and you have had to wait until the emergency services arrive to remove you from it.
The last flight you were on you had a terrible case of the ‘squirts’ and had a queue of fifteen screaming women banging their fists on the door of the toilet forcing you to let them out.
They never have DVT socks in your colour.
Whatever the weather enjoy your flight.
Always look at the flight attendants carefully if they are too old to fancy anymore, they have probably been a safe and sober pilot for some time. If, however, the aircrew are all gay and young looking don’t offer them anything else but a ‘Werther’s Original’ to suck on. One more thing before you have to fly. Don’t let gay cabin crew try to kiss you behind the hangers.
Some original pilot announcements.
Airline Announcements.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:... 
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane... After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as [heck] everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. “During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.”
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed. If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
|
