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The Quotationiser
A quotation at the right moment is like bread to the famished
This device uses voice recognition technology which has a wireless connection to a vast database of quotations on your handheld device.
It picks up words in conversation and constantly feeds suitable quotes to an earpiece, located in, well, your ear. You will therefore always have the ability to throw in well-timed pearls of wisdom throughout any conversation.
For example a friend might be moaning about the cost of bringing up his eighteen children. You would simply agree, saying, "Having many children, but little bread, is a painful pleasure".
Similarly someone at a dinner party may be ranting on about a truly average idea they have and you could casually remark that, "It only takes a small oven to produce a half-baked idea."
Yes, the wearer could also strap ona sandwich board with the words “If I had an original thought it would die of loneliness. I mean, its not rocket science to come out with a clever dick reply without the help of a verbal prompt. What if it gets dropped intoa puddle and muddles the well known phrases/ here is a possible list of Freudian slips that may well offend the hearer. A cocktail of both cliché and quotes.
“A standing prick has no conscience”, and is worth |”two in the bush.”
“Too many cooks” will say, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a joint like this?”
“You can’t change your horse midstream”, “when you are between the devil and the deep blue sea.” (unless your catheter has already burst)
“When the peasants are revolting”, “I suppose a fuck is out of the question?”
“I’m pointing Percy to the porcelain”, “and it never rains but it pours.”
“Ban Abortion” as “Sure as Eggs is Eggs.”
“It’s a blessing in disguise,” “or is the Pope catholic?”
“Kiss my ass on a cold Monday” and, ”once in a Blue moon”
“Put it where the monkey hides it nuts” will just “spoil the broth.”
“Dead as a doornail,” “saves nine.”
“Ghandi’s revenge.” “You’ve made your bed you have got to lie in it.”
Delhi belly…Any colour as long as it’s black.
Madras ass….”every thing good comes in brown paper packages”
“Will you still respect me in the morning….Mind the gap.
“There’s none so queer as folk so keep your hand on yer ha’penny.
“There’s no flies on me if you want to play the pink clarinet.”
“A man’s best friend is a pillowbiter.”
“Find a penny pick it up. All day long you’ll have a penny.”
“Look after the pennies and you’ll still be starved to the last hole on your buckle.”
“Every little helps” (Famous Tesco quote) said the old lady when she pissed into the sea.
“Jesus Christ” were you born ina abarn?
If you would like to use any of this hotpotch to further your vocabulary or get sectioned under the mental health Act may I suggest you juse them under your breath and as a mild oath only.
Behind every good man is a good woman... “Get behind me Satan.”
Save the hedgehogs... There are far too many pricks on the road.
Save the whales… collect the whole set.
Save more energy… I can’t be asked.
He’s a household name and on everybodys lips… like a coldsore.
Always turn the other cheek because everybody has the right to be ugly but you abuse the privilege.
As much use as a chocolate ashtray. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.
As much use as a cholate fireguard. Revenge is sweet.
Love is what makes the world go around. That is unless I’m PMT
Don’t believe everything the papers say unless they spell your name wrong.
Penny for your thoughts... No change there then.
I would forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on.
(That’s why my bollox are in a bag)
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