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SHOE NEWS
It’s beyond me how much money is spent on footwear. I mean, if you choose the wrong shoes, where do you stand?
Rumour has it that you can easily judge the substance of a character simply by what shoes, his’ or hers feet are in.
Ok. Wait a Goddam minute. Are we assuming that we can assimilate an individuals personality, financial status, breeding, spiritual standing, simply by the shoes they wear?
Hold on. Why for crisps sake are we the only animal on the planet to have to wear beetle crushers?
Look at the rest of our animal neighbours. Does a sloth wake up, eventually, and think…”Oh, crikey, I better put some galoshes on today, my feet could get wet just clung to this branch indefinitely, when I have fuck all to do.”
Does a Mountain goat think, “Heavens to Betsy, that big hill looks a bit bloody high to climb, where are my spikes?”
Does a wilderbeast look out upon the Savannah, and say, “ Bloody wars, that sand looks a bit hot, I wish I had worn my sandals today.”
Does a fox wish he had Reebok to escape the hunt?
Does a very gay Flamingo yearn to wear stilettos?
It is my view that if Imelda Marcos was chosen to run for a double decker bus she would insist it was a walk-in wardrobe first.
Only Homosapiens wear shoes. Homosexuals just have more choice.
I spend buckets of money on my child’s school shoes. This results in her dragging them around with her as if I had tried to graft them on her with a blowtorch and associated first degree burns.
The ritual starts with myself coercing my daughter, kicking and screaming, to a local shoefitting shop. An assistant attends, and asks to measure my daughter’s feet. The sales assistant still bursting at the seams with avid interest for the welfare of my kid’s ‘plates of meat’ discovers, to all our disgust, that her right foot is bigger than her left foot. Great news! Just what I want hear.
She reassures me that this is quite a common occurrence.
With almost blissful ignorance, I question what might proffer a solution. The assistant says, that she will still have ‘to make do’ with a pair of school shoes exactly the same size of eachother.
As a parent I find this very bewildering. It becomes patently apparent that it does not matter if my child has a size 5 for her left foot, or a size 9 for her right, I will still have to get purchase a pair of shoes made of the same measure.
So why, tell me my daughter is deformed? I only want to but a feckin pair of shoe for crying out loud. Too much information. It would be more than the salesperson jobs worth to start breaking into another box of shoes of a different size to remedy things.
What if I had asked for shoes to fit my daughters webbed feet? Would I be asked to go to the ‘scuba diving’ ‘army and surplus’ shop, next door?
Here is my list of shoes to denote people ‘at a glance’.
Mule shoes…… awkward bastards.
Brogue casuals……. Slow awkward bastards.
Hushpuppies……. Dead people
Suede shoes….. people that are very good at using a latrine without splashing. Only women can do this.
Cowboy boots…… all of the above
Opened toed…… Gay wankers
Sneakers………. Proper wankers
Doctor Martins…….. ‘Tuppence lickers’ or Social workers
Commando shoes or ‘Monkey boots’…….. Unemployed
Moccasins…… Treehugging shit smoking vegetarians.
Cuban heels…… Truckdrivers with small knobs.
Flip Flops….. Liberal Democrats and other pregnant people.
Winlkepickers….. Chinese people working in Morecambe bay
Moonboots ……Michael Jackson and other child moleaters.
Motorcycle boots…………. Wife beaters and other leatherclad yeast infections.
Trainers….. Muggers.
Glass slippers…… Subsidised farmers
Thigh length boots…….. Jonathan Ross.
Velcro strap on’s…… David Blunkett
Patent leather dress shoes……. Big Issue Sellers
Tuf pathfinders…… suicide bombers
Ballet shoes…….. Tony Blair
Lead diving boots……… George Bush
Carpet slippers…….. Bill Gates
Someone to fetch Bill’s slippers…….. Richard Branson.
This is to keep my readers on their toes.
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