Sacred Institution of Marriage
The Sacred Institution of Marriage: In February, Hindus in a village near Pondicherry, India, in a traditional ceremony believed to bring relief to a drought-stricken region, tried to appease the god of rain by "marrying" a neem tree (the bride) to a peepul tree (groom). (In 2002, News of the Weird reported the similar ceremony with two donkeys, and last year, in a wedding to vanquish bad luck from a 9-year-old girl, villagers in the Hooghly district of West Bengal, India, married her off to a dog.) And in Nice, France, in February 2004, Ms. Christelle Demichel wed her sweetheart Eric in a male-female ceremony. Eric, however, had died in 2002 (killed by a drunk driver), but French law allows the marriage to proceed if the paperwork had been completed and if President Chirac approved (which he did). [Agence France-Press, 2-10-04] [Tampa Tribune-AP, 2-11-04] Marriage is a great institution and that is just what our country needs. Institution! Constitution! And Prosperity!
The above gives credence to some bizarre creeds. I come from the Fens surrounding the Isle of Ely in the UK. You do not say 'Bob's your Uncle' in Ely because there is a very good chance he probably is. This tiny 'city' of a few thousand people and once home to Oliver Cromwell has now turned his house into a tourist information centre. I wonder if England's best dictator, looking down on his old 'drum' after smashing the monarchy and parliament, will be as proud to see some old Doris calling you "Dear" a lot, and trying to sell you a ticket to the local beer festival? Which, until now, was Ely's best kept secret.
There is an old saying here. "If you want to castrate a 'Fenlander' punch his sister on the chin." Ely is called a 'city' because it has, standing in all its majesty, the 'Ship 'O' the Fens", a huge cathedral that bears down on the black earth dramatically. It's grey, beautiful bulk looking more like 'The Belgrano' just before it was hit.
The sea itself engulfed the 'Wash' flatlands leaving families, too long together, on any dry bits, seven to a bed and the adults always got the shallow end. It brought a whole new meaning to 'Sex in the City'. For centuries men would shun the advances of their Aunts nieces because they felt if their own Mother was not good enough for them, frankly, nobody was?
Now, with the advent of the draining of the Fens 400 years ago by a bunch of Dutch blokes these pioneers of what must be the greatest engineering feat of the time replicated the same water dispersing skills they used in the hollows of Holland and turned the fen landscape into a grid of ditches making the region look like a giant waffle from the air.
People do not insist on incest anymore because the tractor was invented allowing people to date first cousins for change. We now have the Internet in Ely where relatives can search for each other on 'Fens Re-United' for one last sh*g before they get caught by Social Services. Surfers already have webbed feet.
The 'genepool' in Ely had little by way of a diversion until now. The residents have been encouraged to use root vegetables to prevent 'genetically modified marriages' in future.
A virgin in Ely is a 'carrot cruncher' in the truest sense of the word.
Ely Marriage customs are steeped in paganism and to do with ancient fertility rights. Strictly only close relatives were invited to the honeymoon.
Homosexuality was more acceptable back in the darker days of Fen life, not because of any liberality but because no one could tell the difference. Quite often women would cut peat all day, not bother to shave, and come home tasting a bit gritty to their husbands. Then they would stand too close to a 'thatcher' in one of Ely's plethora of pubs of the time and the husband not willing to 'scrape his wife off' before lovemaking would prefer to buy a drink of mead for the local 'thatcher'. Why? Because all 'thatchers' were considered a bit 'arty farty' in those days and had friends in high places. You could often see up their putties when they clutched at someone else's gable end. It was a bit effeminate to weave sedge and make pretty patterns on tops of houses. Up there all day getting a tan in a smock top. Very fetching to men whose spouse stunk of silage and had a face like somebody had slept in it.
Bikini lines started at the knees, and any male circumcision was usually the result of a hay baling accident.
Why am I bringing Ely's family politics into the equation? I want to point out that marrying dogs and trees is nothing usual. Conducting the ceremony while the dog wants to use the tree is quite a different matter though. Ok, let me read the article again. Gottit! Ok! So Humans get to marry a dog? Well, my first wife was a bitch so I suppose that is OK. How do you consummate the union then? Doggy fashion? Urinating up lampposts or trees of a night out might be an issue? But as long as you keep the dog at home and avoid CCTV cameras that would stop any embarrassment. They can't arrest you if you find one of those 'people' trees mentioned in this article to relieve yourself. When the officer asks you to adjust your dress tell him that you only borrowed the frock to find a Thatcher.
Marrying a donkey just makes an ass of yourself. The only time I saw a horse give some good head was in the Godfather.
There are many very strange rituals and ceremonies associated with marriage. The Greeks pin money on the bride and groom. They like to put their 'money where their mouth is' but then it may start to bleed, so they just pin it to clothes instead.
These days we have new western marriage rituals. Who gets the timeshare when you divorce? Pregnancy testers for gifts on the wedding day to the bride from worried lovers.
When consummating a marriage is merely a walk down memory lane. Having a 'kneetrembler' up against a wheelie bin with the Maid of Honour for old times sake. Being chained to a lamppost the night before, naked with one eyebrow shaved off and your pubic hair set on fire to prove how much you will miss your mates.
Getting married is great. I have tried it several times and the actual wedding day is so cool. The months before are a bit crap unless you fancy her Mother. The ensuing months into your married bliss should not interfere with your golf if you never forget to video the 'soaps' for her in advance and remember her birthday by booking a hot air balloon flight for your wife and her parents. Crossbows are reasonably cheap to buy from any army and surplus store and the wicker basket can be recycled into a cheap three-in-one funeral casket for the memorial. Especially if the deceased are already organic 'down to earth' people.
But to be fair, your wedding day should be extra special. When else can you spend the whole day getting your photograph taken, eating and drinking to the point of amnesia or until you puke during the best man's speech? What about the 'icing' on the wedding cake? The promise of sex at the end of it all? Just ask one of the bridesmaids not to wear any knickers to save you time before the taxi takes you to the airport.
People still love to get married.
Here are a few wedding tips to save time and money.
When signing the register have all your Hire purchase agreements spread out on the desk to sign as well. Take photos of your honeymoon night and sell them on the web to surprise your wife. Get the Elizabeth Duke ring back to Argos before the sixteen-day 'quibble-free' deadline. Ask for receipts with all presents. Don't ask for flowers but guests should place their money in a hat for a more worthy and noble cause. When that runs out borrow your best mans debit card and put that behind the bar for as long as you want. 'Something borrowed' for your wife should be your mobile. It's a gallant gesture. Calls to her place of work can be expensive, but after all she is your 'bitch' now. You need to know exactly how little maternity leave she can get away with.
More wedding day hints.
Don't use a caterer. They are a real waste of money. After the main 'bash' go 'dutch' at a curry house. Your wife will probably want some last minute items at Tesco before you have to rush to Gatwick. Save your flight money by signing up as a courier for body parts. You won't be hungry for a while after the Chicken Tikka, so put all your uneaten flight food in the 'icebox' for later when you get to the hotel for 'stay fresh' nibbles.
Look after the wedding dress. Keep it pristine. That dress was all part of her big day. So don't let her get any mud on it. Even charity shops can be funny about that sort of thing.
Don't forget..
Hold the ceremony outside a cashpoint. You will get it all captured on film and if you haven't got many guests just wait a few minutes for a queue to form and invite them to the pub. If they have drawn £20 pounds or more, tell them to get the first round in.
Final tip. If you can't afford a Travel lodge, hostel or soup kitchen, why not have your first night together under the stars. Bring a blanket and wait until the dead of night then steal into a forest and see if you can still get a little wood for her fire.
If not try Viagra.
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