Repossession of USA

"Hand delivered to us by Lady June van Klaveren of St. Louishire, Missouri, and His Lordship Ron Chavez"

Subject: Repossession of the United States

To the Citizens of the United States of America:
Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Your new prime minister The rt. hon. Tony Blair, (MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

Declare war on Quebec and France.

Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.

Learn to play cricket.

Learn to enjoy warm beer and British cuisine.

July 4th is no longer a public holiday. The first Tuesday in November will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Driving on the left is now compulsory.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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All content on this site is subject to copyright © 2000/2006
If you wish to use anything either text or graphics please ask permission