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US ARMY INTERESTED IN 'ICARUS' WINGS
The hi-tech wings used by an Austrian stuntman to fly across the English Channel are being tested by US Army officials for use in combat missions. Felix Baumgartner, 34, became the first person to leap across the channel when he jumped from a plane 9,144 metres (30,000 feet) above Dover, England and glided 35 kilometres (22 miles) across the water landing safely in France.
The modern-day Icarus was wearing a specially-adapted suit with a wing-like carbon fibre fin attached to his back. Design engineer Alban Geissler from Munich in Germany, who created the human wings for Baumgartner, is now seeking to manufacture the high-tech device for extreme sports fans. Geissler says he was "delighted" when the American military got in touch and asked if they could put the wings through their paces. He says, "People using the wings go so fast they are impossible to shoot at, and the US military are interested in creating a special intervention unit that could soundlessly cross behind enemy lines."
However, despite interest from the US Army, the inventor says he is going to concentrate on producing the 1.8 metre wide wings for adrenaline junkies. The human wings are expected to cost more than $3,800 (GBP2,000) and because technically they are considered an aircraft they will have to be used over authorised airspace.
Real Life Caped Crusaders.
Imagine that. Swarms of winged humans. Rail passengers would be made up. “Sod the tube, mate, must fly.” Sitting on benches waiting for the next gust of wind to leave Platform 4. I expect that is not very plausible, actually. It might be a very hard thing to do. I mean, sitting next to a person on a bench with a pair of wings on. They could have someone’s eye out, or make reading the Financial Times more difficult than it already is.
Which reminds me. I hate people that pretend to have stocks and shares when they board trains. It makes me laugh to see ‘pretend’ rich people on public transport. That’s like putting Stephen Hawkins in a Ferrari. Not that impressive really. Like those individuals who wear espadrilles in the rain and carry a copy of the National Geographic under their arm, languishing on the open deck of city tour buses. This is the real truth. They can’t afford a cab, so as not to ‘be seen dead’ on a bus, they fake being a tourist.
The evidence. If you asked any American (so-called) tourist which three ‘States’ begin with a ‘P’ they will never guess number three. When they fail to tell you, just say, ‘Pearl harbour’. They will look puzzled and angrily retort, “Pearl harbour isn’t a state.” Simply reply, “It was, when the Jap’s left it.”
Being dropped at 30,000 ft to ‘glide’ across the channel? This, in my mind is an open invitation to allow asylum seekers to get into the country ‘soundlessly’. No more will they risk life and limb disguised as seats on the cross channel ferry.
What about cross winds? I suppose you can lose ballast by ejecting your oxygen cylinder at lower altitude. Or evacuate your bowels if it seems you may ‘clip’ the White Cliffs of Dover on your descent. I suppose the latter will happen anyway if you think you are going to fly into a cliff face.
Dropping behind enemy lines? To do what? First of all, the ‘pilot’ after his intrepid journey, when landed, may have already burned his bridges in the transport department. What do the U.S Military advise? Assuming, of course that the weight of an M14 might hamper his flight. What plans for attacking heavily armed battalions does our wing-ed hero fall back on? Ok, he is faced with enemy soldiers. What is he going to fight with?
Does the U.S Army campaign strategy go like this?
Enemy: “Halt who goes there, friend or foe?”
Winged man: “Err, friend.”
Enemy: “Identify yourself.”
Winged man. “ I’m Ginger. Well, you will never guess, but I escaped from the controversial site for animal research at Huntingdon Life Sciences, after a cruel vivisection experiment went horribly wrong.”
Enemy: “Drop your wings on the ground and step three paces back with your hands visible.”
Winged man: “Well, bugger me, and then… there I was trying to syringe this fruit bat with wing hormone and the needle slipped into my main artery and then…. I passed out and when I awoke the FBI arrived. I panicked. The head one tried to rope my talons to a door where I nearly flew off the handle. Then he tried to catch me by wearing this silly big suede glove (he had lost the other one) and swinging a lump of raw meat on a string above his head, but I had already had some live mice that morning.”
Enemy: “Stay where you are while I call the F.B.I”
Winged man: “Please don’t.. they will try to domesticate me, and I don’t breed well in captivity.”
Enemy: “I am arresting you for invading military airspace, meanwhile your arms must be tired, and you look hungry. I don’t suppose you fancy eggs?”
Winged man: “No, I don’t eat my unborn.”
Enemy: “How about a bucket of wings?”
Winged man: “Are taking the piss?”
Enemy: “You don’t look much like a bird to me.”
Winged man: “Neither does an ostrich but at least I got across the channel under my own steam. Mind you, I am bloody cold. 30,000 feet is freezing for any raptor, may I warm my beak by your campfire?”
Enemy: “Of course you can. It’s our ‘friendly fire’.
Winged man: “Oh, thanks. Say, I have some friends circling overhead, can they come too?”
Enemy: “Ok, take a perch and I will see if there is some millet in my billet.”
What happened in this scenario? By simply posing as a innocent flying creature our winged man was able to infiltrate enemy lines and invite his platoon of other masquerading birdmen right inside the enemy camp, making an entire army vulnerable to a severe pecking attack.
Many men throughout history have always wanted to be a bird. These are very brave men called ‘cross dressers’. Leonardo Da Caprio started all this early flight nonsense, and liked to draw naked men with their legs open doing a ‘snow angel ‘ when it wasn’t even snowing. I bet he lured young boys to see his ‘etchings’. He looks like a big Mary Anne with his curly whiskers.
Sir Isaac Newton was intrigued by flying and taught the Chinese how to make kites. Going from that small beginning, to designing Stansted Airport. The kiss of death to his career, forcing him never to bathe, and wear a wig for a disguise at award ceremonies.
 Here is a picture of Sir Isaac Newton’s favourite kite.
 This was one of his more crap ones.
“The Aviator” adorning posters all over our cities is the new movie starring Leonardo De Vinci, and is all about that ‘nutter’ Howard Hughes who invented the giant seaplane among other aircraft. He was a millionaire who, paradoxically, suddenly got to be so frightened of flying, he grew his fingernails really long, so he wouldn’t have to work the controls anymore.
This is a picture of Howard Hughes fingernails
after a disappointing toilet experience.
“The flying boat” Howard Hughes’ top invention,
because he was too much of a lazy bastard to find an airport.
The Battle of Britain.
The Spitfire was the most enigmatic and devastating single prop fighter plane to be used by young daring, and sometimes inexperienced pilots to conquer the Laughwhiffer. The famous ‘dogfights’ in the skies at the climax of World War were won by this nimble and feisty little aircraft.
There are few working spitfires left. My first wife was one and then had to give up her job to have really ugly children with a complete moron.
 A spitfire after a messyshit.
I don’t think that flying soldiers with sticky out wings will ‘catch on’ for the simple reason that with our already crowded air traffic routes it would hazardous for bird men. Who wants to end up being sucked into turbines of the new double decker airbus? That would really clip their wings.
Of course I would love to fly like a bird. But since the invention of bull bars on cars and the twelve bore shotgun it has lost its appeal for me. How many humans do you see cut up into little pieces and wrapped in cellophane on the supermarket shelf? Ok, if you ignore parts of Africa, I mean.
The U.S Army only want to try this idea out because they keep scoring too many ‘own goals’.
They call it ‘friendly fire.’ The act of shooting your allies because they are bored, or just because they wonder what that little red button on the joystick is supposed to do. U.S Military bosses want to send men up to fly, minus an airplane, because their pilots are more deadly in the bloody things than Al Queda.
Hey guys! The cars with the ‘red cross’ painted on the top is supposed to be a clue not a target.
Maybe it would just be better if pigs might fly?
 A pig just before take off.
I have a feeling that woman will fly ‘soundlessly’ before men. If not, just put ducktape over their mouths first. They already have ‘pantiliners’ with wings. Why not go the whole hog and supply them with a full set of landing gear too, for their ‘Maiden flight’.
We all dream of flying. Therapists believe that recurring dreams of this nature are to do with sexual freedom. That we wish we could be less inhibited in our sex lives. Flying upwards does not mean the same as going down on someone. Other dream interpretations of ‘flight’ may depict our aloofness, or ‘air of superiority’ we may have towards our pierss. I often dream of being on this very high diving board still in my P.J’s. I dive off and end up gliding slowly downwards encircling the whole pool with sweeping revolutions. All the other swimmers are aghast. Then I suddenly hit the water and I can’t breath and my chest is burning.
I wake up to realise I have turned over in bed while my pyjama’s have not moved, choking me, and with hot malted milk emptied all over my ‘jim jammy’ jacket.
The only way to get your wings without flying lessons is to die as a good Christian. Alternatively, die a pagan savage and get measured for the demon style ones.
Some people cannot keep their feet on the ground whatever they do. People who believe in re-incarnation can come back as one of the many thousands of flying species. But, the grass is always greener. Ok, answer me this. If you die a human and want, say, become a moth. Not such a great idea. A moth only lives 24 hours, and 23 hours your time you are already ‘being drawn to the light’, what is that all about? So what’s the point?
You come back as a housefly.
You wind up dead only to wake up on the washroom mirror.
“Hey, I’m a fly! Wicked fun. Look! I have 360 degrees all round vision. Great. I don’t need rear view mirrors, a periscope, or anything. In fact I can see that guy with the rolled up newspaper coming up behind me……The bastard!”
Or…..
“Hey, I’m a bluebottle. Boy, am I lucky. Look I can fly and even stand upside down! Wow, this is so cool. Look, there’s a rotting corpse, LUNCH!! Ok, so now the instincts have kicked in, all I have to do is read the manual one more time.
“Land on shit. Eat shit. Chew shit until you are sick. Spit out the shit. Suck up the shit.” Repeat process.
“Then when the shit looks like translucent custard…
Lay some eggs on the shit, and THEN…… TAKE A SHIT ON TOP OF THE SHIT.”
Why did God make something so revolting with better eyesight than me? Able to defecate and puke at will, in public places. A poor little beastie that prefers the company of dead things! (I still think Catherine Zeta Jones needs to install the chairlift now.)
Fly tipping is illegal but here is one or two fly ‘tips’
that I am willing to go to jail for.
1) Infest your house with spiders if you want to get rid of pesky flies.
2) Always keep old people ‘moving’ in landfill or waste management sites.
3) Smother your children in Vaseline to catch flies in your house. Place them at strategic places where flies hang out. Drains, dustbins, and doggy doo doo.
4) Place a jam donut on your coffee table with a heavy mallet at the ready.
5) Don’t attract flies by exposing your unwashed genitals in the street, unless of course, you don’t want to star in your own ‘fly on the ball’ documentary.
6) Post maggots to sworn enemies and listen for the screams from the other side of the door.
7) Place maggots on open wounds. They will keep your sore place free from gangrene and make fishing trips last twice as long.
8) Don’t swat bluebottles if they are uniformed officers.
9) Don’t swat s.w.a.t. teams, either. They will try and chase you with a little red dot moving about on your T shirt.
10) Don’t use RAID on flies unless you have seen them using drugs already.
11) If you find that people make the observation that ‘your flies are open’. Tell them, that you reared them to be honest and liberal minded.
12) Don’t watch “The Fly” movie. It will put you off kebabs forever.
13) Lord of the Flies is not as homoerotic as Lord of the Rings.
14) Fly papers are useless. They are too small to read the sports section.
15) Flies hate the cold. You never see them on cold days, do you? Even, on fairly warm days, all they seem to do is rub their little hands together.
16) Hair lacquer spray will not kill flies but make them appear to walk like John Wayne.
17) Australians wear corks on pieces of string around their hat to keep the flies off them. Hence the expression of other criminals, “they’re ain’t no flies on me, sport.” The corks double as bullshit inhibitors too.
18) Australians have barbecued food to discourage disease-carrying insects. That’s why Rolf Harris lives in this country now.
19) Always carry a repellent. Or just kick it down the street, if you have no pockets.
20) I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she just likes to swallow.
 Me as a fly without any makeup.
 After putting on some lippy and eyeshadow.
(makeup on the fly)
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