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Earthmover
Thank you all for your contributions to the first issue. We would like our readers to keep all your opinions anxieties and controversial scenarios to yourselves, then put them on floppy disc and send them to us. This disc-mag is your weapon to purge your soul. We print everything you send us including personal testimonies, no matter how embarrassing. Lets face it, we all have dark secrets that are for public consumption. We will protect anonymity and all confidences that you want published. If you have kept a skeleton in your cupboard for years then we will under no circumstances tell anybody else apart from our readership and deny all knowledge in a Court of Law. So, don't be shy, whether its the fact you never get things of your chest and need to flag up a local issue, or you want to complain about the next door neighbour or a major political time-bomb that you personally feel strong about, take the stage.
Your letters
Dear Earthmover
"The fact your simple format user-friendly disc is supposed to be virus free is pure bunkum. I bought the first issue and the next day went down with the 'Inka twostep'. Otherwise known as the 'Aztec shuffle'. I did not know if my bottom was drilled punched or countersunk. I was afraid to roll my eyeballs in case the floorboards disappeared. I went to work the next day still unable to tie my shoelaces on a skateboard in case I broke the land speed record. Which reminds me, don't buy deodorant which offers 'full protection' from Waitrose. I bought some roll-on from there and got beaten up outside."
Ed's note: We find the same with 'press-on towels' from there too. I used thirty four before I got dry from a shower the other day. Thank you Mr Napper, Ward G8 Fulbourn hospital.
Dear Earthmover
"I was surprised to see how much power your little disc has to really 'move' things. I used the corner of your floppy disc to remove some faecal matter from my shoe when I hitchhiked to Soham. Thanks Earthmover, your ideal disc is a godsend for hygiene indiscretions while out walking and it's cheaper than a 'poop-scoop'.
Ed's note: Obliged Mr Todd from Tuddenham. Why not put your disc in your word processor or computer which is more as nature intended. Don't forget to 'wipe' it first. Sorry, let me explain. Wipe it after you have read it, but only after you have wiped the 'dogsqueeze' off it. Oh, never mind just watch where you walk in future, before you become a total environmental disaster!
Dear Earthmover
I must complain at the content of your dubious disc-mag. In principle it is a very good idea and I can see the benefits of your endeavours. What I found sad is that adults have to use purile and grubby euphenisms and adolescent innuendos at lavatorial level. Jokes about body functions and human waste should be kept in the toilet.
Mr Bodell of Coveney
Ed's note: Not in Mr Todds experience.
Dear Earthmover
Your first issue has literally moved heaven and earth. After issue one I was astonished to find that your readers who were fed up with the Egremont Rd/Lynn Road traffic fiasco has seen big changes over the weeks to ease the congestion. Three hundred workmen tackling the removal of two traffic islands that were installed only a couple of years ago and in their place some oddly place road markings. Now you only have to spend half the time to queue before entering suspended animation. Only three people were found dead waiting to turn into Prick willow Rd causing a minor delay as one driver had rigamortice and firemen had to cut him out. Well done to the lady wanting to turn into Chapel St with the new arrival of her eight pound bouncing baby boy delivered in the passenger seat of her Montego by other motorists who just happened to be writing their memoirs and playing poker. Highway planners have done us proud indeed by recently putting a set of lights right outside the Atrium club. There is a
innovative piece of red coloured tarmac to remind people that they are on a bicycle. This feat of design for the clever purpose of entertaining bored Atrium receptionists every morning who as a matter of course hold competitions with each other. They lay bets as to whether the cyclist they have in full view is fit enough to make it across to Newnham street before the lights change again and they have to be hose piped off the road.
Contributed by Mr S. Moss from his mobile on the M25
Deer Hearsemoover
I fusser form Dissfleckser dan rezent komments aboot mie dizzoarda. Won tennfth ovf fer poopoolashion fusser form eet annd weer food upt wis tthese kined ovf disskriminashun. Doo I Knead tou spill ett ouct too yoo?
From Mr Roget's Sorearse
Ed's note: Well we receive many letters on the subject but usually in the right order.
Dear Earthmover
What a lot of absolutely nonsense your disc-mag is. If there was a cure for people like you we would all get vaccinated, and if brains were taxable you would get a rebate. For God's sake get a life and sod off and haunt someone else.
My local butcher.
Dear Earthmover
I was surprised to leard from previous readers how common such a parasitic infestation like threadworm or pinworm is. Forty percent of us will have 'little guests for tea' at some stage of our lives. They are extremely virulant and robust and depending on how good your immune system any prompt treatment can be eradicate the little suckers safely. Generally the 'over the counter' medication is in great supply. I walked into 'Boots' when I had a whole party going on in my nether regions and apart from feeling very embarrassed and incredibly uncomfortable whispered for the preparation to a Saturday girl there. I am scrupulously clean in my ablutions and my house so hygienically sterilised that even the rats wear overalls. To my horror the sale assistant shouted across the shop asking her manager for the price of worm tablets. Not content with that she said at the top of her voice " you better have one for each of your family because the little blighters keeping coming back if you don't." I was practically deranged psychologically with the thought of hundreds of little wrigglers having a family reunion up my bottom before I set foot in the shop but I walked out feeling like a leper. Is there a better way to sell discretionary health products without letting every one and their mother know that one is incubating an army of minute horticulturists in your guts by day and night? As a health professional I have to deal with problems of this unpleasant nature with my patients but it only really hits you when one is struck down in such a way. What astounds me is how the hitchhikers inside my digestive system come out and lay eggs outside of me every evening at six o'clock sharp? How can they tell what time it is up my backside? I mean do they have luminous watches or something? Do they say to eachother "come on fellas its six o'clock better get Mum outside as she's having her first contraction?" Please help me. This flock of freedom fighters is making me suicidal.
Fidgety from Feltwell.
Ed's note: Well, I'm not your Doctor, but why not why not spray "Raid" on your buttocks a few seconds before six each evening and see what happens? Thanks for all of wherever you are at the moment for sharing that with us. Has anybody got some unsavoury symptoms you want to tell us about that you would much rather not talk about to insensitive sales assistants? But although it does strike me that Earthmover cannot help our 'riddled' reader on this occasion, if this should happen to you .. better off eating in the shed until your bottom is declared 'colony-free'. Please don't try drinking alcohol while infested. Anal parasites will return if you have them no matter how much alcohol you consume. Although they may take a little longer coming out to play they may forget where they live on the way back home.
Dear Earthmover
Apart from the crap humour we love your disc mag. My sister the wife and I think Ely needs a safe vegetable to enjoy as long as they are scrubbed clean first. When do we get the answers to last month's quiz?
Mr Kramer from Grunty fen
Ed's note: We don't know the answers to quiz. That's why we asked you the questions. I suppose we could get readers to put what they think the answers are on floppy or we could get them off the internet. But we can't be asked. Watch out for our next one in this issue.
Dear Earthmover
I found your first issue very offensive but thoroughly enjoyed your stab at wit. I would like to wish you every success in the future. How about the answers to the trivia quiz?
Ed's note: I told you I can't be bothered.
Deoor EoorthMeoover
I'm sowwy, but I must object to your vewy offensive weferwences to pawents of the Kings school all dwiving vewy showy, off woad vehicles as a downwight genewistic and ungwacious cwitiscism. I drive a new 'Toywota Yawis' which is fwugal on petwol and so we keep the 'Fwontewa' at home on school twips. If evweeone was as enviwomentally fwendly as me and my son 'Twistan' wefused to waste wesources wegardless of their upbwinging you would wite pwoper and accuwate statements welating to people like us.
Ed's note: Ok then. As long as you stop talking like you have a cathedral in your mouth and a cello up your arse and get some speech therapy.
This month's cool competition
Now, readers don't forget our audio tape competition for the best of music over the last century. Put twenty of you classic tunes on audio tape and you could win these great prizes. We will send one hundred pounds worth of holiday discount in the post for the first ten entrants. Fifty pounds worth to the next ten runners-up. Twenty five to the next ten. Last but not least. To the loser we spam your computer with pornography. Anybody who sends a tape with their own tasteful efforts will get a copy of the Earthmovers 'Home made joke book' with over fifty cartoons for your mirth. So, if you promise not to put these artists on each entry everybody wins.
Banned entries include:
"Flaking Stephens"
"Bill Hymen"
"Eric Clappedout"
"Kylie Monologue"
"Gloria Astravan"
"Kris Krossedoutagain"
"Cliff Pilchard"
"Daniel O'Dribble"
"Chas & Divvy"
"The Weasels"
"Sachel Distillery"
"Demis Houmous"
Have you got any music from the most untalented abominations that hit the charts in the last M-word? From classical composers like 'Rips Yourcorsetsoff' and 'Meddlesome', 'Groog', 'Chopping' 'Scoffscoffsy', 'Sherbet' and 'Beatoven' to modern day crooners like ' Giggler&Bile' or 'Pieman&Carbuncle' and 'Berk Backtoback'. Send us your tapes and they will be assessed by our panelists down at the woman's institute. Entries will be danced to by people of 3 million and anyone entering can party with the purple rinse brigade at a future disclosed venue/date. Bring your own Ralgex and don't put sand in the vaseline. A prize for the tackiest tape will be graciously given in the form of a double c.d called the 'World's worst records' by Keith Chegwin. Contributed by an anonymous donor.
More letters from our hungry public
Dear Earthmover.
Why does fellatio upset so many lovers. Is oral sex just a matter of taste?
Ed's note: Not if it brings a lump to your throat.
Dear Earthmover
I never go to doctors again because revelations concerning the 'Shipman' murders. That means doctor could just as easily prescribe lethal doses of morphine for trivial complaints and murder dozens of people before they caught. Apparently his surgery was only over the road other practice where get signatures from the coroner for victims over hundred in total. He got away with murder. So all doctors under suspicion now. Do you think I take my tranquilisers after this?
Mr Lee from "The Lotus Garden"
Ed's note: Don't panic Mr Lee from the takeaway. This is a very isolated case and most G.P's are very dedicated and will give you up to seven minutes of their time with an appointment. The victims of Dr Shipman should think themselves lucky they got a house call. I had to phone Huntingdon at three o'clock in the morning before I could get them to bring me any more morphine.
Dear Earthmover
I was surprised to learn from your last issue that the confectionery firm Nestle peddle death in the third world. Why don't they just give their samples of dried milk after the new born have suckled and grown strong on their mothers milk? I know people in that part of the world are starving so why not give the milk derivative to the mothers as well so they can also feed their children when they have enough nourishment themselves?
Eds note: Thanks Philip from Mepal. It's a bit like 'supply and demand' and Nestle work on the same principle as breastfeeding itself. If you create a marketplace where by giving free samples to promote the product and a dependency for it, then it follows that you have regular orders. It's the 'puppy dog' tactic. Give someone a puppy dog and they want to keep it. Nestle are replacing a mothers natural resource to feed their profits and killing babies in the process. Its been going on for over ten years, so why not boycott their products and buy 'Rowntrees' instead.
Dear Earthmover
Hatred in any form is negative and in most cases ends in more than tears.
'Aunty Margaret' from Grantchester.
Ed's note: I agree. The same goes for 'Gassing', ethnic dislocation, evil medical experiments and torture usually. That's why all Imperialistic fascists should be hunted down like vermin and kneecapped.
Dear Earthmover
From your inference in the previous issue you made the assumption that all born again christians are boring and have no sense of humour. I must disagree with your findings as I can honestly say that the members of my church are always good for a laugh and you will not find a funnier lot.
Ed's note: True.
"Supplementary"
(y'know like when Jerry Springer gives words of wisdom at the end of his show)
We have no preconceived notions of the future intimated by a superior intelligence if that's what you mean. We use this disc-mag not to try and answer the unanswerable or foretell any events by believing that we have some sort of special insight that makes our life more special or richer in any way. We believe that life is sacred though and there is a force of good and evil at work. That life and creation is a mystery and our insignificant little attempts to preview what is 'on the other side' is more than our intellects are capable of. If we thought that we were somehow the possessors of the 'truth' or custodians of the secrets of the universe, life would be so predictable. It's not that ignorance is bliss, to coin a phrase, it's just that we do not want to spoil our surprises. However, that is why we cannot be so sure of the future of this magazine but if people would just have faith and believe it will move heaven and earth. ( I refer to 'we' in the vague hope that someone might agree with me)
Dear Earthmover
I am a Jehovah's Witness and by chance read your attempt at sick humour about how to get rid of us at the doorstep. People may shun us but we are doing God's work as foretold in the Bible and 'preaching the good news' from house to house as Jesus did. At least we tell the people we meet the 'truth' about god's kingdom whether individuals listen or not. Your pathetic excuse for journalism proves what the bible says about 'there are many books written' but only one worth reading. God's word.
Sister Thriplow from her thermos flask.
Ed's note: I know that was cruel and uncalled for. So don't you be uncalled for either. You always call when I'm naked too. Are you a pervert?
"The Moth and the Monkey"
This weeks second part to "The Moth and the Monkey" short story. Francis meets the new teacher and finds a canoe in his pocket. Our yarn continues about a 11-year-old school pupil alienated by the whole school because of his heretical beliefs.
"Francis found her to be a mirage in his desert of despair. She swirled up to him looking more guilty and mischievous than a chimp with chocolate. Her petrol blue eyes twinkled as she crept closer. Her corkscrew hair was playfully parted in a bandanna of purple paisley that clashed very loudly with the cascade of colour in her tangle of sunset orange hair.
This vision was a walking carnival of sequins, beads and tight cheesecloth knotted at her midriff. Her variation of dress sense had no fashion allegiance but was as appealing as a bowl of fruit on Bob Cratchet's table.
Eccentric, she looked maybe, but to the bashful onlooker she was such a sheer pageant of exquisite loveliness and as she drew closer thoughts of his bursting bladder seemed to evaporate with her approaching scent in his nostrils.
What was her smell? He was getting a whole mishmash of delicious musks. Sandal wood, geranium and acacia. A she hurriedly brushed past him to peer through the' window of wonder' her aroma took him to every corner of the garden.
Was it vanilla or almonds? His chemistry in a state of sheer ecstasy left his eyes on springs. Her face was devoid of any vestige of cosmetic and mainly as Francis ascertained with what he saw before him proved that it is impossible to improve on perfection. Her features were striking but not heavy. In fact her smile was not a stranger to this dish of roses and cream and her eyes were the first to express it.
Those eyes, they had a defrosting effect, that of rum punch on a winters day.
Bright and soulful, yet optimistic.
Francis felt for the first time that day that her eyes were the safest place to be and he wanted to go there. That would be if he could get past the two silky pairs of thick eyelashes that guarded them like serifs at Gethsemane. Several freckles skipped across the bridge of her discreetly aristocratic nose. Francis caught her profile and swallow-dived into her curious beauty and with this priestess of elegance before him began sputtering a string of gibberish resembling a greeting. She, this icon of natural beauty and with a warm smile, turned to the bewitched boy and answered,
"Hiya love, bugger I'm for it now, first day on the job and I've bloody blown it, serves me right for tying one on last night and missing the frigging train."
Francis soon discovered that his Aphrodite,it would seem, was briefly agonising over her plight after having too much alcohol the night before and because of the nature of her leisure activities had rendered herself a little the worse for wear. Thereby being unable to attend the railway appointment punctually. The exact whereabouts of the public transport location approximately in the vicinity of Liverpool, England."
More of Francis next issue.
See you next time
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