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TOP DOC BACKS PICKING YOUR NOSE AND EATING IT
Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor.
Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies.
He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up.
Dr Bischinger says, "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner. And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system. Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do.
"In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.
"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free."
He pointed out that children happily pick their noses, yet by the time they have become adults they have stopped under pressure from a society that has branded it disgusting and anti social.
Pick and Chews
This is healthy behaviour to just a point. It may boost your immune system by foraging for nasal material and consuming it, but it won't be sold in 'Holland and Barratt' for a few years yet, I can wager. It might boost your immunity but not your social life. I can imagine, for instance, dinner parties a little tense.
From now on I will ask popular vendors what the topping is, on deepan pizzas, refusing green olives with my Florentine.
How antisocial? All my life, I was chastised by my Mother, for '
Digging for Victory'….
"If you do that again you won't go to the party." Or, "Don't do that your head will cave in," or even, "Do you want some salt and pepper on that?"
Are we saying that parents should encourage this once maligned and indiscreet habit?
I can feel the creeping horror of such consequences.
"Darling, you can have your game-boy back as soon as you have eaten all your 'Gillies'."
The 'Bogey man' would have a whole new reputation. As a adoptive career move in line with the less paranormal terrorism you can only hope he washes his hands afterwards. The thought of a hooded figure picking his or her nose in the corner of my bedroom on Halloween might be a little less scary. As long as he didn't leave a booger on the mirror.
I'm sure the above researchers are advocating this to stop the population explosion. Should courting couple develop this during the art of seduction?
"Sweetie, when I said, I wanted to touch your 'hooter' I had something else in mind?"
The missionary position is a convenient time to inspect cluttered nasal passages I expect, and a Kleenex asked for at some stage. However, exchanging body fluids may take on a entirely new meaning.
I remember Peter Cook and Dudley Moore on the AD Nauseam classic about '"The Longest Trail of snot" when Mr Cook was trying for the longest trail of snot from the light switch that was literally elastic inches from the world record, only to have his wife come in with a tray of tea and break it. A domestic ensues. Ultimately, a thigh-slapping, rib-tickler of a sketch and one of the things to see before one dies.
How odd? We have this pre-occupation with picking our noses? To watch a truck driver at traffic lights manually excavating his conk was embarrassing for other motorists. Not any more, if these scientists have their own way, what was once a discreet but exciting activity exercised behind hymn books in church, will soon become boringly routine and a ordinary part of a everyday healthy diet. It might even become cuisine. Restaurateurs, may have 'chef' busier than he has ever been before, serving up his own proboscis concrete. I cannot see this as a healthy food option, but it may rule out diners asking the courteous question, "Is that spinach between their teeth?" or, trying to pass off the stain on your collar, as guacamole.
People who pick their nose should not point the finger.
It's not difficult to understand any reader's disgust when they naturally recoil at the thought of munching mucus when such a hideous habit may be potentially ordained by the World Health Organisation as a nutritious health giving living skill. What's next? Re-constituted pooh, made into manageable microwavable bitesize nuggets? Perhaps, we shall be later coerced by the media to eat genetically modified toe-grit or home-grown navel lint, that is spread thinly on the top of running bed sores? Forget fizzy sports drinks down at the gym. Just pop by your local day centre and pick up a filled catheter, for that 'freshly squeezed' goodness?
Revolting? Not so 'out of the way' in Ethiopia. Camel pee is used to aid a good complexion and used as a refreshing beverage. True.
Let me take it further one more inevitable step. (As I invariably do) Why not use toenail clippings and mix them with Greek yoghurt for a creamy, yet somewhat gritty exfoliate?
Toenail clippings can also discourage unwanted lovers if you leave them in the foot of your bed.
Isn't it vile enough that we have all these holes in our body that produce all kinds of sticky debris? People no longer have any need to slide down stair banisters, now we have 'Hakle's moists', like in my younger days. I can remember toilet that had the absorbency of a scuba diving outfit that was varnished, turning your botty into Beirut leaving your arse in ribbons. It was called Izal paper. Car body repairers would mask cars with it before spraying. You could re-felt sheds with it or use it as grade 3 sandpaper to sand down furniture.
Apparently our own water supply has to go through four people before we drink it?
Questions:
So why do we have to pay for it again then? Who are these people? Haven't they got anything better to do than stand around taking the piss? If I am going to drink proper urine I will buy an alcohol free lager, but tell me? Who is the person collecting (or siphoning) off the first four people, and is the jar clean?
Urine is just ammonia and dead cells and has no medicinal health giving qualities at all. Why? If you drink urine half the people you meet will smell your breath and ask, "What the hell, have you been eating?", before punching you very hard. Not very healthy when you shortly thereafter you become 'street pizza', is it? Ancient Oriental practice insists that it will make you more virile if you drink the wee of various animals. Today, this is called Urn Bru, and while it will not make you virile, it will keep you sober and thus make you more attractive to your wife.
Some rather eccentric sexual practices are called "water sports". This is the filthy habit of weeing on naked people to save dry cleaning bills. Ironic, don't you think? When on the one hand, some men are allowed to do this, BUT woe betide them, if they leave the lid up?
The only good thing to come out of eating bogies is your nose. It will appear nostril flaringly 'gremlin free' and not clog your trimmer.
Hankies not to be sneezed at
The worst scenario? Handkerchiefs will be banned and people will have nothing to roll into a claggy ball and shove tightly up one arm of their cardigan. In emergencies people might end up marooned on an 'inflatable' unable to attract attention without the trusty 'snotrag' being waved at high tide. In wartime, nobody would be able to surrender without one tied on a short bendy stick, held nervously from behind a rock, by some dusty and rather furtive potential asylum seeker. No hanky . No surrender. What in God's snort will event? This is bound to incur the slaughter of millions of people unnecessarily. How can warring nations ever become at peace without to 'blow their bugle' first?
Hanky panky
Reaching for the good old hanky would mean never having to wipe it on the duvet again.
People previously would forget what their own initials are until they blew their half filled horn on their own monogrammed hankies.
Warn a brother
Old films would have to use kitchen roll in slushy romantic scenes and thus block up all the local sewers. Actors would be forced to just go through the motions. Actors would have to tie knots in an alternative to hankies just to remember their lines. Condoms for instance. How stupid are you going to feel when your Mother can't find the tablecloth because of your forgetfulness and your recent religious decision to wear a turban?
Elvis was the real Hanky Chief.
What would Elvis or 'Satchmo' and now, even, Charles Kennedy have done, if they had no access to a hanky? Ok, in Elvis' case, he could just as easily use ladies knickers. Louis Armstrong's kept cool with a cornet, but Charles Kennedy is expected to sweat. That's what our taxes pay for. Politicians mop brows, instead of mopping up the mess they make of things. Simple.
If I had to vote with my union for a politician who expects us to eat our own bogies I would picket first. Only cinemas should ask people to pick their nose before the matinee. So other patrons don't find them under the cinema seat arms later.
I have a miniature vacuum cleaner for my Hi-FI. Complete with Hoover bag and accessories. The tiny crevice tool has proven very efficient at nasal junk removal. But I refuse to eat the contents of the bag. Regular vacuum bags for household cleaning hold 90% of household dust. It is called P.B.A or 'Putrefied Body Ash.' Yes, that's right, rotting flesh. Dead skin from out bodies. Would you eat that? It would be like kissing Joan Rivers when she has already put the rest of herself in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet. Don't look so surprised Joan, it could happen! (Correction: Joan always 'looks surprised' these days because she has had that many 'nips and tucks' if she frowned too quickly, her knickers would snap up under her chin and catapult her across the Gulf of Mexico.) Michael Jackson is Joan Rivers' alter ego. When they both die they hope to prove Darwin right. Mr Jackson has a pet Monkey called "Bubbles". Joan and he met at an award ceremony and he found Joan was less hairy and put her on a leash instead. Shortly afterwards Mr Jackson was arrested in his home-made theme park he called, "No, I never, I never, I never, land". Michael Jackson uses a hanky for his nose. To hold it on.
Michael and his scarred children have to wear hankies over their mouths in public. So that they won't be recognised when their father throws them from high rise buildings. He needs a couple of good hits. Mr Jackson's favourite song on his next album is called "I'm forever blowing Bubbles."
Blowing bubbles can happen while speaking, so that is why Jamie Oliver cannot be interviewed unless you take an umbrella. Jamie Oliver is always on the news, but when he speaks he likes to give you the 'weather' too. If anybody needs a good hanky he does.
If Mr Oliver was in an aircrash he would be the only saliva.
As we get older we shed a lot more skin, which is, paradoxically, not the reason old people seem to have a whole lot more of it than younger readers. That's why old Naval tattoos are often confused with liver spots on crinkly people over the age of eighty. We all get old. Cliff Richard is stubbornly stillborn after refusing to stay a foetus.
Did you know that there are more types of germs in your mouth than in your own faeces?
If you don't believe me you can kiss my arse.
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