Partner's Value of Money

A relationship psychotherapist believes all couples should go through the exercise of understanding each other's views towards money. Paula Hall even suggests taking a sheet of paper and answering a series of questions to see whether you share similar values. And if you don't then you need to understand how you can change your financial agreement to ensure you don't run into problems in the future.

She suggests answering the following multiple choice questions:

The best things in life are free…
especially if you can get a Government grant
for terrorist activity.

My wife worked for the bank for 25 years and never once brought any samples home. It was only last week that I realised we had already gone decimal? I am allowed money. During tabletop games, for instance, and of course for that nanosecond I get to hold my pay packet before it speeds the shortest distance it has to travel to her handbag.

Women love spending money more than guys. Now, we have the Internet it’s like your wallet has wheels, rocket fuel and cash enteritis. It would make more sense to travel to the Dover cliffs and wait for a heavy gust, while fanning your entire savings to the wind, followed by your own physical suicide after your imminent financial one.

Money seems so vital. But is it really? Does wealth make you less of a moron than you already are? Do you have to be rich to be sexy? Donald Trump has the sexiness of a yeast infection smothered with out of control, and thinning, red hair.

Any self-respecting woman would never sleep with me for money unless they were ’ladies of the evening’ and then, they always ask for change and promptly prefer lesbians or celibacy.

No. These snippets of vital information will prove money is useless for 99% of our survival.

How can your ‘streetcred’ stay intact….
when you’re a pauper without so much as
a farthing to scratch your butt with?

Look at these simple everyday hints to live like a king on a mere ‘widow’s mite’. (On the other hand they may not!)

Pretend to be wealthy, by keeping some fusewire in your pocket and furtively hiding it inside expensive restaurant meals before you pay. Just complain and vomit over the waiter. Free food… every evening of the week.

Shoplift. This is easy to do with CCTV freely available. Ask to see the store manager in his office to get a job application. Keel over and simulate choking. Say you need a glass of water. While he is gone, put a dead kipper in the air con vent. Slip out of the room and watch the fun the next day. The fish putrefies and the whole shop will be stinking of the rotting aquatic corpse. Now, call ‘Rentokill’ anonymously. Set light to a ball of Fullers Earth, and roll it under any shopping aisle fixture. Then phone the fire brigade. The smoke and ensuing chaos will allow you steal goods and plant them on an old lady walking out of the store. If she remains undetected, follow her outside and throw her under the bus she was going to board, and snatch her push trolley with the spoils. A big plus is that she probably won’t need her bus-pass anymore

Rubbish skips set on fire at the back of a supermarket are a good decoy for you to wander into the warehouse and hide overnight. Gorging on anything you fancy.

Kids never eat their school dinners. Offer them prescription drugs for your favorite dish as a swap. They can just leave your meal by an open window of the canteen. Ask them what drugs they want and either go to the Doctors feigning impotence, or get your wife to go to her GP and tell them she needs the ‘morning after’ pill. If she says that she didn’t have unprotected sex with you the night before, claim that what started off as a cuddle ended up as marital rape during slumber. If she says she was unaware of the coupling during the encounter, accuse her of snoring during the ‘Jousts of Venus’.

Seminars and Conferences are always good for a feed. Book into all the free ones and scoff the lot.

Take binoculars onto a roof of a hotel and drop bricks on people. Run down to the victims pretending to be a Doctor and administering resuscitation while rifling their pockets. Passers by will just think you are releasing airways by loosening clothing. When the ambulance arrives get a lift to the hospital and get your complimentary coffee on the hospital concourse by picking up a ‘dead’ cup and returning it saying, “This one was cold, I’m afraid.”

Look at some other hospital japes you can try….

While you are there nip into the wards and pose as a male visitor. There is always an array of food and fruit to choose from. Roll a ‘poorly’ female person off their cot-bed with ‘reasonable force’ onto the floor and then press the call button. Hide inside their pajamas and while the nurse attends to the tangle of butt naked arms and legs, tubes and monitors, have a play on the Internet at the main desk. Enjoy looking at pornography in a nightdress for a brief exotic moment.

If you are tired or stressed. Sit in a wheelchair, and pooh your pants. Fall out and scream. You will soon get a free tour, a bed bath by attractive nurses, and some sedation to really relax you.

Cashcards are great to get money. Just slip them inside door catches of the nurse quarters and help yourself. There are always cigarettes aplenty and used underwear to sell on Ebay. Don’t bother looking for money. Just steal their nursing diplomas and get to see ‘live operations’ and meet famous surgeons all over the world. When they ‘scrub up’, whip their credit cards and ID from their Versace jackets and trousers to get first class or executive tickets with British Airways.

Want to get girls? Just find a hunk on the beach, and while he tans gently place your phone number on a stencil of blank A4 paper on his back.
Presto! Your phone will never stop ringing.

Bribe your teacher using simple threats of terrorism. Set up a financial arrangement with him or her. Test how liberal thinking, he or she is, by putting a Gay Pride sticker on their car bumper. Charge them £5 for every week they leave it displayed.

Take a tiny electric drill and make a hole down the centre of blackboard chalks. Place a Swan Vesta or Lucifer match, tail first inside the chalk. Watch flames engulf the victim whatever the equation. Ask the teacher to place £20 inside your desk to be left alone.

Creep into your schools IT block and load up all the machines with the ‘Autocorrect” list on Microsoft Word and then, change normal simple spellings like ‘and’ to ‘bugger’ or ‘Hello’ to ‘bastard’. Have a field day with all the basic bridge words and watch the mutiny in class evolve. Tell ‘Teach’ you will rectify the problem for a fee.

Put your phone on video and ask to see the headmaster. Place the phone on his desk and shout “No, I’m not going to let you play with my penis again, you dirty filthy man.” If you are a girl and you say this it may not stand up in court.

If this is all too tame. Take a BB gun and shoot the guts of computers through the rear heat grills. Flat screens can be vandalized with well-aimed jabs using a Number 8 knitting needle at angles through the vents or portals, hiding any wanton destruction and disabling your schools computers with no evidence ever pointing to you.

How to save money without any sudden movements………….

Here are some exercises to do without using expensive gyms or fitness clubs. This can all be done from your workstation.

Count the ‘burnt’ calories on a calculator
while eating a stick of celery
and watch the weight just fall off…

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All content on this site is subject to copyright © 2000/2006
If you wish to use anything either text or graphics please ask permission