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The following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He dies before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all hooted hurrah.
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guesser invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake Circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The greatest smiter of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all an Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic cuplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife dies and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannon stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped producing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
- Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
- Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
- The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
- Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
- The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
- The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
- The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
- Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Actual radio conversation released by the [U.S] Chief of Naval Operations,
10-10-95.
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a
collision.
#1: This is t ...[Message truncated]
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