|
NO EXCUSE FOR IMPOTENCE
We marvel at the human body? How complex it's engineering? Why, though, when we reach the pinnacle of health and fitness everything starts 'to go South' and, particularly in the male species 'the little soldier' no longer wants to 'stand to attention'? Considering the different substances that form these astonishing 'vehicles' we inhabit, I find it almost inconceivable that men should ever have to lose their 'hydraulics' at any stage of our brief existence.
Do you remember bumpy rides on buses that left you like 'blue steel'. Old ladies thought us youths courteous when we sat tight-lipped and balancing our lunchboxes rather precariously. Allowing every last passenger off before us. Not at all, it was for the fact of our hopeless state of rigidity and thoughts in vain of cricket scores or the many uses of a dead cat that we wished would subside our involuntary ardour. But in truth, between the horny timeframe of 12 years to 40 we would all wake up each and every morning and quite literally a 'cat couldn't scratch it'.
People always say that life begins at forty but neglect to tell you that you are 'ufcked' at fifty.(If French Connection can get away with typos so can I!)
Now when the alarm goes off everything else seems 'stiff' apart from 'that'. I hasten to add that just because our midlife crisis and the fact we don't experience 'Kevin and Perry' instant erections anymore, doesn't mean, more rarely, we still can't 'rise to the occasion' effortlessly.
"Speak for yourself", you say! I contend that any man over forty who can boast of a 'brick prick' at the snap of his fingers (and his 'banjo string' if he is not very careful) is either using Viagra to give nature ' helping hand' or just a good old fashioned friendly neighbourhood pervert. Anyway, unplanned 'panhandles' at our age, are thought disgusting and a waste of trouser room. Women we divorce, or date for that matter, expect us to have a 'good run up' first.
Case in point
What is the average age of women who go to an Ann Summers party? You've guessed it! 39. A year before the real 'party' is usually already over for older men, as Pele puts it. (You know, about the 'one time' genius footballing icon who now stars in flaccid 'impotence' ads telling the world, he 'can't get it up' or match his lips to the dubbed dialogue properly)
Does Ann summers have a husband who goes to bed each night ready to be torpedoed more times than the Belgrano?
My wife doesn't go to these sex aid parties for any other reason than to get information for my market research. She was lucky she came home at all, least ways, without, as I told her. 'having your eye out with one of those things'. Imagine my surprise when I mistook her 'Rampant Rabbit' for the Kenwood 'hand' liquidiser? My lawn is now a foot long because I can't ride the mower at the moment. The Sunday morning pancake mixture has never been the same either.
Back to my research.
Our bodies are manufactured with elements that should make the penis permanently erect.
Lets look at my findings.
Every minute of our lives, our heart pumps 10 pints of our blood. When you reach forty we usually experience palpitations and so it doubles that amount. Since, on arousal, the penis is engorged with blood on this basis it should be twice the size and stop any accompanying chest pain.
Note this. The blood is made up of two and a half million red cells, that live for 120 days. So why doesn't your 'stonker' last at least four months?
Blood, is said to be 'thicker than water', but the reverse is true. Water thins the blood not vice versa. The body is made up of 60% water and we carry only 10% blood, so this smashes the myth. Yet, why is it, we wake up with a 'stiffy' and need to urgently pee? Then, ironically, once in this state, it is hard to urinate anyway and if you end up ruining the net curtains? This is called. "Having to use the toilet badly." Clearly, God, had not 'thought things through' at the plumbing design stage, of what we now endure as the 'luggage' problem blokes have. Did our creator forget to 'tweak' the penis when he was asked to make his own sample? We all know this side effect. But let me ask you this? The bladder is full, and we awake most mornings because of this fact alone. Why, do we have to have a silent 'trumpeteer' cheering us on? Does a willy have to advertise how much you had to drink the night before and make the girl you slept with think she is more attractive over Cornflakes than she was over Cocktails?
More 'hard' facts.
Did you know that 'capillaries ' or the tiny tubes that circulate our blood around our bodies put 'end to end' covers 32000 miles? Opened up, they would have a surface area to span a 2 acre of field. Yet, you have an erection that lasts over an hour that gives you a real couple of 'achers' and it hurts like hell. This is called 'Blue balls' or when an erection will not go away. From experience I found slamming it in the wardrobe or imagining sex with Ann Robinson a good cure.
Still, on the subject of bloodstream veins and capillaries. What makes things stand up 'stronger for longer'? The answer? Holes in things? For instance, the now ageing Chiswick flyover was the first 'ventilated' concrete bridge found to be up to eight times stronger that its solid concrete counterparts. So, in that case why isn't our penis with its little hole 'right down the middle' more robust when asked to 'perform' as we get older. Why does this mean that only your arteries harden and not your 'salami'?
The average male has enough lime in his body to whitewash a small shed. Lime was, or is still used, in construction to mix with cement. Before cement, lime and sand made 'lime mortar'. How then? Buildings with lime in, can stand for centuries and yet our bodies are full of the stuff and only 'hold things up' for a few minutes?
We have enough carbon content to make a 28lb bag of coke? We all know that coke if snorted gives you a phallus 'hard enough to roller skate on' so what's that all about?
We have enough phosphorous to ignite 22,000 matches! So next time, don't say to your lover, "Baby, you can light my fire." Just try not to make love in a draught, in case one of you decides to go 'out' before sex. Use matches if you smoke after sex. If you smoke too much after sex try a different lubricant. Save the dead a little 'wood' later.
Pinch an inch or two.
There is enough fat in our bodies to make eight cakes of soap. This lies under a totally waterproof suit. Our skin. 20 square feet of it! Forcing us, to buy shower gel and other expensive hygiene products. Once again, if the God of the bible had done his homework properly and put the fat 'on the outside' I would not have to shower so often and save myself at least a 'fiver' a year.
Individually, we all contain enough iron to make a 3 inch nail! So, once again, where is that particular substance when you need it most? Perhaps, you would be better off with a good screw?
A baby is born with 305 bones, but in later life they fuse together to become just 206. So this is why you have far less 'bones' as you get older.
We have 650 muscles using over a hundred joints. But you only have one mouth so just smoke one at a time.
Teeth enamel is harder than any known substance to man. Harder than diamonds, tungsten or even Teflon (I've never figured out how they stick that stuff to the actual pan?)
What good is it 'at that end of the body' when all your teeth are going to fall out one day anyway? Why not be born with this tough enamel in the 'todger'? It could be cleaned with a toothbrush and then gargled with fastidious friends. You could ask your girlfriend to help you floss before any tartar builds up. The words 'open wide' would take on a whole different meaning at the dentists.
Woman have 4 million nerve 'receptors'. Just about everywhere in their bodies. Unfortunately these all die off, very suddenly, the day they get married.
The body is a major piece of equipment that needs little servicing. Well, on the other hand, try the other hand.
|
