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MICE or MEN?
University of Southern California researchers announced in February that they were able to breed mice with a certain skin gene "overexpressed," resulting in the mice' growing thicker hair, more whiskers and "significantly larger" "external genitalia." [Medical News Today, 2-23-04]
Mice or men?
Why this research? What is this to try and achieve. So men can have ‘over expressive genitalia’ like below?
 (I thought this image might get your attention) This shows a man that tried to inject a mouse with the ‘over expressive gene’ and the little bugger wriggled free and he injected himself instead. Presto! A week later and he is as hairy and hung as a buffalo. Mice may soon be cavorting in very small gay bars looking like a cross between Hagrid and a long haired guinea pig.
It is a sad fact that we have to spend millions of pounds on such worthless research. Mice with thicker whiskers, and larger penises? Who wants the common field mouse looking like Barry Gibb? These macho mice will soon be wearing sunglasses and a medallion. The three blind mice. Yes. I know the three blind mice already wear sunglasses. Barry Gibb sings like a mouse being injected anyway.
No wonder elephants are scared of mice
Mice jam-packed with testosterone and sporting tight unbuttoned shirts. Of course it wouldn’t be a real medallion it would have to be a sequin on a silver thread, or something.
Are we breeding mice to look like
Tom Jones too?
This is a previously unseen image of Frankenstein type research carried out in a laboratory in Telford showing baby mice when the ‘over expressive gene’ has already been introduced.
Below is the same picture of the babies at 3 weeks. Look closely. Can you see how such experiments can make mice look too much like humans, and as mere infants they now have bollocks the size of coconuts that will only fit in a shoe?
Do we want our kids to be as quiet as these mice? ….Not in these shoes chum!
Do you remember this?
 (Pardon?)
A few years ago our tabloids were filled with the horrifying pictures of a mouse with a grafted human ear on it’s back. What leading professor thought this was a good idea? That rodent will always want to ‘get his own back’. The one now has a spine that is deformed forever. What if he goes deaf? He has to carry a huge human ear around and the added unwieldy weight of a hearing aid too. ‘Hidden hearing’? I don’t think so. He’s got an ear the size of a dustbin lid on his back.
These animal experiments are cruel. If humans want to test out cosmetics, genetics and chemicals to buy and sell, then they should ask for human volunteers from the people who especially want to wear, or use them. They could just have a little back room behind Debenhams. Where the new staff could practice on customers.
The customer would say,
“Can I have some lipstick, please?” The assistant could offer a whole range of beauty products not tested on animals. Yes, I know, the ‘Body Shop’ claim to do this already but their men’s shower wash is great for lighting Bar-b-q’s, but crap as a hygiene product. I wouldn’t want to shower in it. The last time I got a very nasty rash in a nasty place and so I absolutely refuse to go back there a second time.
The assistant would say, “May I suggest, Madam, our ‘Cosmic Peach with a hint of wet-look slut’.”
Our vain but ugly patron would reply, anxiously.
“Will it make me look like an available ‘reader’s wife?’.
“No, for that, you want ‘Curbcrawler Crimson’ from our ‘Lipstick on the dipstick’ selection. It needs only one wipe for re-touching. Do you want to try it on, in the back? Our apprentice has got your allergy test chart ready. We are against animal testing, so all you just have to do is sign our disclaimer form before you purchase.”
“Eeerr…disclaimer for what?” The woman would frown.
“Oh, you know, in case you get cancer of the lips, or herpes, we can not be held responsible.”
What I don’t understand is how it is that you see advertisements by hospital research bodies that are crying out for human guinea pigs. You know the advert. “Healthy men and women needed for research program. All expenses paid with hot meal and uniform. Earn hundreds to wank, piss and pooh in a bottle.” Isn’t it somewhat bewildering that you can get a free bed in a state hospital and get paid to be there, when you are perfectly healthy? On the other hand if you are dying, there is a waiting list and no beds?
Getting back to our mouse that is ‘all ears’. Two of his own and now a spare one on his back, that he can windsurf with. How does he get into his little hole in the skirting board? He will need some help from his ‘spouse mouse’ to bend it in half, somehow, and crouch to get in. Nothing new there. I often come home from the pub and have my wife bend my ear.
What if the wee mouse is a bit self conscience about it? There is this correction surgery you can get on the NHS for the old ‘jughandles’ if they make you look like the F.A.cup. This involves ‘nipping’ the ears back a fraction so you don’t look like a taxi with the doors left open. One problem though. It would leave the ear at a bit of a rakish angle and cause the mouse to keep toppling over when it ran away from predators. I mean sparrow hawks would not need to look very hard to see a wobbly mouse with a juicy Frisbee strapped to it’s back , scampering through the fields. A bit conspicuous, and not very aerodynamic, I should think. Unless he took cover in a river and swum up and down pretending to be a miniature shark.
A successful ear correction procedure on humans. Before and after.
A mouse before surgery.
This will not help our mouse but it might not draw attention to his human ear so much. Or, he could paint it the colour and style of a rucksack and blend in with other mouse backpackers. If his intrepid camper vermin friends suss he never seems to take it off or stars stealing food provisions from others, he could always bluff his way out of it by saying that he went rambling with the wrong haver sack on. He brought the parachute instead, by mistake, for example.
Spare a thought for the human who sacrificed an ear to have it surgically grown on a mouse’s back. Has he got to go without one of his, or her’s ears until the mouse dies, (2-3 years) and then get it re-sown on? Lets hope they don’t stitch a human males penis on the mouse’s chin. The poor little thing would not know where to put his face.
How does this person survive without one of his ears? Does he have prosthesis, for an ear, cleverly moulded from his existing ear, or is this the only way he can wear glesses again?
Ear-y facts.
Van Gogh cut of his ear in a moment of madness. His other palette was broken and so his severed ear to ‘make do’ that already had a little thumb hole and everything. Starting with the colour red.
The apostle Peter in the New Testament cut off the ear of the Roman centurion when the Lord Jesus was being arrested after Judas betrayed him. Jesus magically stuck it back on.
Amazing. Didn’t need a tape measure in the darkness, to see if it was aligned with the other one. I mean the soldier didn’t go home and take his helmet off in front of the mirror and say, “Oh God, the daft sod has only stuck it on back to front. I know it was too dark in Gethsemane to see what he was doing but I wish I had eyes in the back of head now.”
According to the famous Star Trek star. Leonard Nimoy. His ears were kept moist in a jar of formaldehyde so they didn’t go crispy like the ones you can buy for your dog in petshops.
Spock’s ‘easylistenin’.
The reason why my mother banned me from watching Star Trek. True story.
My Mother was deaf and had stereo hearing aids. They were useless because she never used to listen before she had to wear them anyway. I remember once Mum and I watched on TV an early episode of Star trek. Kirk (Bill Shatner) was having ‘a bit of a falling out’ with Spock in a tricky situation and scolded him, raising his voice. He said.
“Spock, OPEN YOUR VULCAN EARS.” My Mother gasped and fell off her chair in a hurry to turn off the telly. Disgusted, she said, “I’ll not have any son of mine, listen to such filth.” Ten years later I realised what it was she thought she heard.
More Mouse facts.
There are many different types of mice in the world. The most common in homes is the house mouse, also known as mus musculus. The house mouse is small and slender, around 3-4 inches long. The house mouse has large eyes and small ears. The mouse is usually light brown or light grey. House mouse droppings are rod-shapped. Their nests are within other structures. A common place is behind a fridge. House mice don't build their nests more than 10-30 feet from a food source.
They are also excellent climbers. House mice are able to drop vertically down 12 feet without injury. Mice can jump straight up 12 inches. Mice prefer food like cereal grain, peanut butter, cheese, brocolli, (www.geocities.com)
There’s a Mouse in your House.
Here is a list of actual places mice have been found.
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
The last place you can see the cute furry little things everywhere, mostly on the nest.
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