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THE VERY FUNNY JASON LOVE COLUMN click here

Handpix This is just a few everyday pictures that spark the imagination for comedy.
Can you upstage my quips? (hover your mouse over the pictures, click for more)
 

What do Charles Dickens, Barbara Cartland and Richard Carlson all have in common? They all used speed writing techniques to create books in under 14 days. Click here to learn how they did it. read more

XMAS IS COMING THE GOOSE IS GETTING FAT…
Why is that some folk love the c-word and others loathe it? It’s a fact that not all Christians are aware of the true meaning of c-word. That, for instance so much honour and grace be attributed to overindulgence. Like weddings it’s a good excuse for getting drunk, having your picture taken and enjoying a good feed. However, most people are not that god fearing as too many simmering Brussels sprouts are usually scary enough. read more

DREAM MACHINE A Japanese toymaker claims to have invented a gadget that can help people control their dreams. Tokyo-based Takara Co says its Dream Workshop can be programmed to help sleepers choose who or what to dream about.
Dream on. Funny isn't how that the Japanese have to interfere with our dreams? Wasn't Pearl harbour enough interference? Why 'prompt' dreams? Research shows that during the average nights sleep we dream up to 400 times. That's dozens of times and hour. A dream can last ten minutes (Older people have to use the toilet in the interval) read more

SMALLEST 'GUITAR STRING' TO WEIGH ATOMS
Scientists hope that "playing" a tiny guitar string, the smallest ever created, will help unravel some of the secrets of the molecular world. The string, developed at Cornell University, US, is only 10 atoms across, a million times smaller than a normal guitar string. It is made from a carbon nanotube, formed from a sheet of carbon one atom thick and rolled into a cylinder. "As a scientist, the possibility that intrigues me the most is to be able to use it to, in essence, weigh things," explained Professor Paul McEwen, who helped pioneer the string. "If you imagine that you had a guitar string and you glued a little weight on to it. It would lower the frequency at which the guitar string vibrated, because the extra mass slows it down," he said. "The same thing happens here, but our string only has a few tens of thousands of atoms in it. So, just a few extra atoms, maybe even one, might shift the tone of the vibration enough for us to detect it." Little strings please little minds. A million times thinner than a guitar string? I knew a guy called Ron who used to roll fags that thin more...

THE MARRIAGE CODE, by Stoyan Valev
Every evening, Russlan come home late and replied to his wife's reproaches with article two from the code of a married couple: 'That's my job, sweetie!'
What could be that job at midnight when he was not at work, Pepa could easily guess. It was quite logical. After all, Russlan disliked wasting his time with friends in pubs, restaurants, or night bars. He even hated those places: a well-known fact since the time they were dating. more...

MARRIAGE IS LOVE!, by Stoyan Valev
For Emmie men had turned into a catch, and sex - into a rightful prey. Her main weapon was her beauty, but she relied more on her daring, sudden attacks, false retreats, and tireless willingness of men to betray their wives and eminent obstinacy to protect their right of personal happiness.
 more...

THE YOUNGEST SISTER, by Stoyan Valev
He has been watching his new colleague Yoana for three days already and although they have exchanged only few words on business matters he thought he knew everything about her. Bobby was thinking that no woman suspected that her face expresses her desires. more...

TOP DOC BACKS PICKING YOUR NOSE AND EATING IT
Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor. Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies. He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up. Dr Bischinger says, "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner. And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system. Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. more...

Body Art in the workplace
Once strictly reserved for sailors, biker types and less than savoury individuals, Body Art has found its way into companies all over the world. Although some of the corporate world is adapting, not all companies are ready for studded and inked employees.
Generally, body art is still viewed as a negative thing in the professional world but with the melding of so many cultures employers may find they have to come up with a dress code that limits employees' "personal expression" while not impinging on their civil liberties, since many cultures incorporate tattooing and piercing into their religious and or cultural ceremonies. 
The other problem that arises is consistency in setting rules. While it doesn't really matter if the computer guy sitting in the back room can set off a metal detector while in the next room since he doesn't deal with the public, you better believe the employees who do, will be quick to point out that it is unfair and that their rights have been violated. more...

THE BIG GIG

pictures by ZEDWICK

Cannibals.. "Eat your heart out!"
A German man gets eight years for eating a consenting victim who wants to be slaughtered like a pig. We have no laws on cannibalism within the European justice system for willing human delicacies. What a surprise! These people have either crap cooks for parents or think that humanitarianism is the opposite of vegetarianism. It brings a whole new meaning to having friends over for a meal, doesn't it? Apparently Internet surfers who want to meet to literally 'have lunch with a friend' invite eager volunteers to come around for a 'bite' and start their own homemade 'carvery' after getting to know them over a glass of wine. And a 'pair of teeth' (aperitif?)  is all that's left!! At what point did these people decide that a bucket of chicken was fowl and 'Tesco's finest Chinese for two' was a bit bland? What made these normal and neighbourly people conduct mutilations with no mango and lime chutney in sight? more...

Toys-R-fuss
Well, how do you like these apples?
My daughter of ten years came to breakfast one post-Christmas morning after much cajoling. Her eyes glazed and bearing a look of despair. She had a face as long as the A1 and that peculiarity when the arms distend past the knees that only seems to effect youngsters with a 'cob on' and seems to synchronise when you have to ask them to do something trivial. Like eat. The accompanying stoop of indifference and that expression that there might already be some 'damage in the attic'. You sense that all the 'chairs are not around their table' even if it is breakfast time. You know this by that look they reserve for fools and drunkards more...

Package Baggage
It always fries my brains when I have nothing more creative to do with my time than visit a computer store. It is a bit like sending a Brit soldier to the gulf without any body armour. I am always caught between the friendly fire of spotty computer experts who start rubbing themselves up against a flatscreen thinner than a fagpaper while explaining the difference between 12 bit and 16 bit digital processing. The ears loosen from the moorings I start to suck my thumb and playfully kick the heels. Apart from the ugliness of computer furniture, I have very little to say about it all as it is not my chosen field. I might add that I find the odd transition of white to black monitors although some sort of fashion statement will not be changed purely to match the cushions in my house. That, suffice to say, is hardly more excitement than I can possibly bear. more...

Where do you get your information from?
I have a theory. One of the conspiracy kind. Yes, I know the average 'conspiracy' theory has criticism levelled at it before it even gets off the ground. Experts dismiss such ramblings as some sort of inverted neurosis that is big on imagination and not so big on factual evidence. Economists of this thinking would like us all to believe that to blame 'big brother' is relinquishing our responsibility to give the 'powers that be' the benefit of the doubt. That plots against our society are a figment of the imagination. We are finding an excuse to blame the system. Trying to answer the answerable. Hey! That is the real conspiracy! The huge ongoing suspicion about Princess Diana's demise. That government funds are available to set up UFO programs. That toothpaste manufacturers are forced to put fluoride and other toxins into the tubes to break our will. If conspiracies are fanciful probes into fiction then why does the government spend so much money to try and dispel them? more...

What to do about asylum seekers : E-mail Etiquette : BIG DAN'S A'COMING

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