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LAME EXCUSES FOR NOT TURNING UP FOR WORK
"I can't come into work right now because .."
My day was punctuated with a coma.
My day was punctuated with having half my digestive system taken away leaving me with only a semi-colon.
Due to a weak bladder my day was punctuated by a forward slash.
My day was punctuated by a bus that failed to pull out all the stops.
My day was punctuated by having to then kick the bus driver up the bracket.
My day was punctuated by people stealing scripted and highlighted texts. (Italics mine)
I have picked up a dreadful virus and it must be down to a faulty scan program.
I am stuck in traffic and it's called a 'pile-up'.
I have been asked by Captain Scarlet to help him fight the Mysterons but there are a few strings attached.
My car seatbelt is jammed and I opened my glove compartment and a swarm of killer bees attacked me. My only chance is to kill them one by one with the cigarette lighter.
I had to stop on the M6 for a particularly long filter and as soon as I have smoked it I will be in to work.
I injured my groin on a fairground "What the Butler saw" machine and now Health and Safety officials are looking into it.
I missed my train due to an attempted suicide on the track. But since my Doctor upped my Prozac I am coping much better now.
I noticed a pair of hungry blue tits in my garden for the first time this season and I wanted to get something warm inside her before she had to fly off.
My car would not start because of an asylum seeker concealed under the bonnet.
My wife left me for a next door neighbour and I am going to miss him.
I have someone interested in buying my house and I have run out of DDT and overalls for the rats.
I insist that the Chairman discuss liquidation from the comfort of my bed.
I have always been strongly attracted to the Chairman.
I am considering taking a reduction in salary if allowed more time off like this.
I burned the candle at both ends last night and ending up dipping my wick too with an old flame.
I feel I have to contribute to the company's inevitable failure and demise.
I am getting bored with the colour of the office fittings.
I am in the middle of self-evaluation research on my commitment to my job.
I would like to come round but I'm still in a coma.
I will join you later if you promise not to fall apart on me again.
I think I will be of more use at an industrial tribunal.
I have spilled hot coffee onto my crotch and now sterile with two sugars.
I have become addicted to religion and coffee and so become a Java's Witness.
I have found God by a minor legal action and bought an old iron framed upright piano while adopting a quaint flair for cockney rhyming slang and become a Joanna's Witness.
I have accepted Christ and bought a second hand vacuum cleaner clogged with pet hair and become a Je-hoover's Whiska.
I have a very sore face from brownnosing all last week.
I don't want to stop others from working.
I have suffered an upsetting breakdown, and my bike has a puncture too.
I have been invited to a body-painting party after contracting scabies.
I am waiting for the microwave repair man, because our puppy defrosted too quickly.
I have slipped a disc by copying a sex act the MD described.
I need an eye test and the cinema might be a good way to try them out.
I am waiting for my probation officer to call and re-charge my electronic tag.
I have Non Specific Urethritis and so I can't be sure exactly when I will come back.
I hit my head jumping for joy at the prospect of coming to work.
I have sprained my wrist for the same reason.
I love my work so much I think we need some time apart.
I have to surf the Net all day to find out what porn sites need to be deleted from the MD's workstation.
I have gone blind as a result of this.
I have decided to take some leave..of my senses.
I have found strange crop circles in my girlfriend's pubic hair.
My local Swan Sanctuary needs me today.
My laptop and shoes have been stolen.
I am in the pub because the Doctor advised plenty of fluids.
I am trying to avoid any more sexual harassment.
I have run out of Methadone.
My most important client arranged to meet me at the pub on the wrong day.
I am at the dog track to raise money for the coffee kitty.
I have two Jehovah's Witnesses drunk on ginger ale and holding me hostage.
I have now been brainwashed by them and made to wear stiff serge knickers.
I am registered as a missing person and have been arrested for being drunk in charge of an alter ego.
I was at a karaoke and was arrested for being drunk in charge of a silly voice.
I was arrested in a photo booth for being drunk in charge of a silly face.
I am booked to attend a self-help group for the secularly challenged.
I have turned my gazebo into a detention centre for asylum seekers.
I caught my gerbil playing with matches amongst extremely combustible material.
I went to the hairdressers and it has confused my sexual identity.
I watched Crimewatch and I am too scared to venture out.
Terrorists have nailed down my duvet forcing me to watch old black and white movies.
My rowing machine capsized.
My doctor has advised me not to stop drinking abruptly as it may cause withdrawal trauma and it will confuse whose round it is.
I woke up in a strange country.
Amnesty International called to conduct a survey with me on 'exploitation in the workplace'.
I found some frozen toilet waste and a flight recorder in the window box.
Because I worked on Golden Jubilee day.
I thought the World Cup was this week.
I phoned earlier with a hangover but nobody believed me.
I forgot it was my wedding day again since converting to Mormonism.
I woke up far too stiff to get my trousers on resulting in a bloodbath.
My alarm clock was fitted with an explosive detonator and while it blew up the entire housing estate it failed to wake me.
I have been put under citizen's arrest by a neighbourhood watch expert for this reason.
I have had to make my own breakfast today and I am afraid I have far too much on my plate.
I have promised to make love to Nigella Lawson today.
I was much stiffer than usual because of this and now the wardrobes in the way.
I am getting baptized as a Scientologist today to learn kinetic powers to improve my keyboard skills.
I slipped into a coma watching Dale Winton being interviewed by Richard and Judy.
I was asked by the Inland Revenue to provide evidence of tax evasion in my company and need some time to be persuaded not to stay at home.
I have a responsibility to the environment to re-cycle my Xmas tree.
I have booked a dental appointment but as it wastes having to take a day off for it so I will not turn up anyway.
Al Quida broke into my house and stole the minutes of the next meeting.
I have to educate my children today, in the futility of drinking and betting.
I became a Jehovah's Witness yesterday and took the day off today for a blood transfusion and remembered at the last minute I don't believe in them.
I have only just posted the stool sample off to prove if the staff canteen and the MD know how virulent pinworm is.
I have to stay at home to read the 'Representation of the People Act'.
I believe that work absenteeism is character building and makes more room in the fridge.
I forgot my Serbo-Croat language course was today.
I am allergic to money.
I have been too exposed to reactive marketing, defined consumerism and too many adjectival 'buzzwords' and office catchphrases.
The bottom has fallen out of my world.
The world has fallen out of my bottom.
That just when I was thinking how lame and predictable the last two excuses were, the bottom fell out of my trousers.
I have a latent and very strong desire to find out what a bailiff does.
I can't decide what condom to wear.
I was promised by my parents that I would not amount to much.
My Galaxy has not properly aligned with my Mars bar.
I think success might go to my head and staying off work is only cautionary.
I do not want to return to work until someone has got the balls to dismiss me.
My doctor needed to sedate me after watching the Duran Duran eighties video 'Girls on Film' and so my GP recommended I find a girlfriend before I draw a pension.
I put HRT patches on my scrotum by mistake.
I am too smart for your company and I plead gross incompetence just so you will allow me to leave.
I am too butch to work for your company and just to prove it I will not be returning the firm's car either.
My absence was hastened by thoughts of suicide and large amounts of chocolate ice cream.
I left my briefcase with my fishing tackle in the back of the car and lost my car keys just as it was being towed away.
I want to allow time for a hefty whip-round.
I will come back to work as soon as the boss agrees to let me marry his daughter.
I have donated all my work clothes to the third world.
I think there is too much distortion in the factories Public Address System.
I will bitch more and work less.
I refuse to wash the coffee mugs.
I was badly damaged in a swimming pool flume ride accident.
I am fed up with all the moaning women. Their orgasms put me off my work.
I will return once the office has been relocated in downtown Bangkok.
I have moles in my lawn and when I catch one I am going to dig a hole and bury it alive.
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