Jokes

Two cannibals sat beside a large fire, after eating the best meal they had in a very long time.
'Your wife sure makes a great meatloaf,' said the first.
'Yeah,' said the second, 'I really am going to miss her!'

Joe was still chasing girls when he was seventy.
When his wife was asked if she cared about his geriatric waywardness she said.
'Oh, I don't mind. Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive!'

A couple go out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices her husband breaking down with emotion, so upset he stops the car in a flood of tears.
His wife turns sentimentally to him and says.
'Are you thinking about our fifty wonderful years together?'
'No, not really.' He says weeping, ' I was thinking about the day I asked your Father for your hand in marriage.'
'Ahhh, how sweet Darling and what else?' she replies stroking his cheek.
'Your Father threatened me with a shotgun and to have me thrown in jail for fifty years…I would have been a free man tomorrow!'

A bum holds his hand out for loose change and his grubby face lights up when a guy puts a hundred dollar bill in it.
"Will you gamble this money away?' Asks the generous man.
The tramp says 'No'.
'Will you use it on booze?' The vagrant takes his cap off and shakes his head.'No.'
'Will you spent it all day on the golf course?'
'Of course not!' Says the homeless person.
'In that case would you come home with me so I can show my wife what happens to a man that doesn't drink , gamble and play Golf?'

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced great pain and bought jewellery.

A man is holding his wife's hand as she is lying on her death-bed.
'Jerry, I ……I have something terrible to pass on….please Jerry you must forgive me!' she whispers faintly.
'No, no dear you must not try to talk and rest my darling.' He says stroking her forehead.
'No, Jerry it's a load I have benn carrying for twenty year, and I have never told you.'
'Shhhh…my sweet, try to rest.' Her husband dotes.
'I must tell you, Jerry………..I have been unfaithful to you…….I slept with your best friend Phil….' She chokes.
'Yes I know….'Jerry nods…..'Why do you think I poisoned you?'

A man rushes into his house and yells,
'Debbie, pack your things, girl. I've just won the lottery!"
'Shall I pack for Vegas or Florida?' asks Debbie.
'I don't care as long as you are out of the house by noon!'

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a man sitting at the end of the bar with the smallest head he had ever seen. It was literally the size of a golfball. So, he sits down next to him and says, 'Excuse me for staring mate, but why is your head so tiny?'
'Well, you see,' says the man with the unfeasibly small cranium, 'I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach when I came across this ancient brass lamp. When I rubbed it the most beautiful genie appeared and she told me she would grant me three wishes.
My first wish was to subscribe to the Reasons to be Cheerful newsletter!
The second riches beyond my wildest dreams.
The third to make mad passionate love to her.
The gorgeous genie refused at first and said 'I'm just a wisp of smoke from the navel down but I don't mind giving you a little head instead!'

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All content on this site is subject to copyright © 2000/2006
If you wish to use anything either text or graphics please ask permission