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Inebriated driving modification factor
One may take his/her driving test at varying levels of intoxication; passing said driving test at say twice the 'legal' limit (both parts - practical and written) allows that person to legally drive at twice the standard legal limit.
You can choose to take the test at any level you wish, and if you pass you are legally allowed to drive at that level of intoxication. If you fail however - you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for driving over the limit (in your test). So its a risky business taking the test and this prevents drunken monkeys repeatedly taking the test until they eventually pass.
My first instinct is to fish but upon consideration, if somebody is able to pass their driving test under the influence, why shouldn't they drive hammered? After all, we know that different people have different tolerance levels to alcohol and the only reason we frown on drink driving is that it makes drivers unsafe. If somebody can prove under test conditions that they can control their vehicle safely with a certain blood alcohol level, then why not? I suppose it erodes the concept of being as alert as possible when driving but if they're as alert as the next man as certified by test...
Online Driver
Too drunk to drive home? Connect to an online chauffeur!
So you’ve had a few drinks and you’re too drink to drive home. With the addition of a webcam, computer and a few controls to your car you could just log on to a driver agency website and any one of their drivers could drive you home from the comfort of his living room. It should work out cheaper than a cab!
I personally think that people can’t afford to drink and drive. Both activities are expensive.
Millions of pounds each year are spent on convicting drunk drivers when it would be far easier to spend that money on a town filled with pubs and specifically inhabited only by motorists who…
1/ Are already driven to drink
2/ Can only drive their car after eight pints
3/ Drink and drive because they could ‘murder for a pint’.
The town could be a drink drivers paradise, with two sets of wandering white lines up the middle of the road, so there is no need to close one eye while driving. Roundabouts could be previously straightened out. Traffic lights will stay on green no matter what other traffic is coming.
Cars could be adapted with a mini bar and matching bucket on the dashboard. Seatbelts will be banned. Trees would be removed. The steering would be replaced by bungee rope, create a meandering experience like no other.
Pub parking lots will be twice the size and also ‘on the piss’ like the motorist, so only one attempt is needed to stop before the motorist stalls the vehicle and can’t be bothered to re-start it as, and the landlord calls ‘Time’.
Windshields will be removed to avoid too much sleepiness. Road signs will be the size of cigarette boards, so there is plenty of room for all the words to run into eachother.
Am inflatable Lollipop lady and groups of cardboard cut-out children will line Zebra crossings for lagged up motorists to practice mowing down victims and add a little realism.
A good touch would be to have a Drive thru pub with a bar within easy reach of the drivers side, offering a good range of real ale and spirits served in plastic glasses so there are fewer accidents.
The car sunvisor will have a set of different excuses labelled on the underside to clearly read when on the phone to spouses.
Each car will be followed by an ambulance. The paramedics will be just as ‘pissed up’ so they get squeamish when cutting mutilated bodies from vehicles, they will have been at least ‘on the sauce’ and served with a gutful of Dutch courage first.
Police stations would be of no use, so any empty ones could be converted to open air public clatrines. Well and truly lashed individuals could publicly urinate without any interference whatsoever.
The country lanes will be organised into a mazelike series of shortcuts to avoid monitored highways out of town. The drivers will be able to recover in the comfort of their own ditch and overhead helicopters will constantly patrol the undergrowth to rescue drivers who have been ‘well on it’. Thermal imaging will be replaced by a cold seeking apparatus for picking out freezing corpses strewn along lonely backroads..
A graveyard will be situated in the beer garden of all pubs for pissheads so that mourners can just pop in for a sharp one so they miss last orders, the football, or simply ‘get the munchies’ halfway through a ceremony.
Women drunk drivers will be trained to give the best blowjob (by me) so in the event of a lady being caught ‘wrecked’ at the wheel of a car, they have a 50% chance of not getting arrested.
All salaries will automatically be paid to the barman.
Taxis will only used if you have already have enough change for another drink.
No drink driving will be allowed during rush-hour as it’s such a waste of time when you could be in the pub.
Cars will have ignition keys that have three holes on each side of the steering column for easier ‘hand eye coordination’.
When buying alcohol at supermarkets a brightly coloured pensioner can struck by your car previously and affixed to your bonnet for easily spotting your car in crowded car parks.
Park benches will be totally mobile, and each will have a park attendant. If you need somewhere to sleep or ‘chuck up’ a one digit Freephone number will enable you to call for your own bench, so you can sit down, before you fall down.
A number of amounts of small change will be glued to the bars of pubs so you think you have more money than you really have, and spend all night trying to pick the coins up. This will ensure you stay ‘bladdered’ longer.
“One way” streets will be absolutely everywhere, to allow drivers ‘ buggered up with booze’ to argue with police officers that they were already going ‘one way’.
Trousers will be made of heat resistant material, so if you are trying to crack open a can at intersections, if you lose the end of your cigarette you won’t ruin a perfectly good pair and have to use the lager to put the fire out on your nuts.
If the car seems ‘sluggish’ while you are ‘fucked up’, drivers will be advised to stop the car and stagger outside to check for Chinese students on bicycles under the fenders.
Drivers involved in RTA’s will resolve who is to blame, by talking about it over a drink.
Beermats will replace road tax discs enabling you to have plenty of cash to go down the boozer instead of queuing at the GPO.
Money will be saved for the next few rounds of drinks because no insurance company will touch you with a bargepole.
Drivers who struggle with avoiding canals on the way home will be encouraged to veer their car away from any water as its not always a good idea to ‘dip’ your headlights.
Snoring drivers will be admonished by passengers that they are about to ‘wake the dead’.
All motorists will have fitted as standard in their car. a karaoke machine that is ‘singing voice sensitive.’ The puddle car driver when struggling to remember lyrics to Don Maclean’s “American Pie or “Jerusalem” gets a feckin’ great megaphone pop out where the airbags should be, and the windows roll down automatically.
Randy motorists ‘three sheets to the wind’ may be asked to deliberately hit a lamppost at speed so that when the airbags do eject horny gents ‘gagging for it, but too pissed to pull in the pub, can pretend they have a huge pair of tits to play with until the fire brigade comes.
Drivers who insist being non-drinkers will be encouraged to take drugs to still enjoy several very ‘happy’ miles of motoring before they maim somebody.
Seasoned drinkers will be issued with Robin Reliants or other ugly three wheel cars to drive out of town in, as Traffic cops are always too embarrassed to stop them on motorways, leaving you free to wrap the bastard around a bus shelter full of people when you literally hit town and all at your drunken leisure.
For large parties of shitfaced drivers worried about how to find another pub that is bound to have a ‘lock-in’ why not take this handy tip? Tie all your cars together with towropes in a conga line. The most drunken driver must lead BUT only if he can convince the rest of the drivers he knows where they all can get “few more bevies” after hours.
Cyclists too ‘mortal’ (or scared, more like) to drive, can wire up a stun gun to their saddle that has a sensor connected to the front wheel. Every time the front wheels clips a curb or seems to get inexorably closer to a hedge, the stun-gun activates 25000 volts up your ‘rusty bullethole’ to help sober you up.
Disclaimer: The above information is for information purposes only and in no way an indication that readers should drink and drive…. without checking, first the coast is clear and you have enough mints to suck.
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