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Health or Hoax - Which??
We as a society are a superstitious lot. How valid are the claims of Natural Medicine Practitioners or Therapists? There is certainly a lot of self- professed, complimentary health experts to tackle just about any malady. We are awash with acupuncturists, herbalists, aromatherapists, homeopathic or reflexologists. Not to mention the odd faithhealer added for good measure.
Are these crackpots or confessed guru's? Are they the stereotypical woolly hatted, treehuggin', shit smokin', 'crustie' hangovers from the sixties who congregate at psychic fairs and try to save the whales to get the whole collection?
Save the rainforests.
Save the environment.
Save their money when it's their round.
Why don't they just save their breath? We've got Sting and Geldof now. We don't need anymore 'greenthinkers' being let loose with a mortar and pestle. Or, do we?
In very general terms do people put their trust more readily in such so-called professionals? Are we evolving BACK TO THE FUTURE with our everyday health issues as an alternative to the rationed, conveyor belted seven minutes you may or may not get with your local G.P?
Most of the natural remedies for our body and soul have existed for thousands of years. Yet, do most of us still swap 'bog root balsam' for a bottle of Milk of Magnesia?
Or are these 'new but actually quite ancient' prophets of cure, just a bunch of Philistines cashing in on a few old wives's tales? How can someone who claims to rid your ailment through whacking you across the legs with a selection of dodgy looking herbs and nettles do the same good as a month's prescription of blanket anti-biotic?
I'm sure most of us remembering our dear old Mum rubbing an itchy shin with a dock leaf. Or splashing a bee-sting with malt vinegar. That religious shot of cod liver oil that made your breath smell like a trawler and left you toxic all day.
Is your body a shrine? Stiff as statue and surrounded by crap you don't need?
Healing is a recognised profession and a sincere attempt for alternative age-old science to replace the "treat the symptom not the cause" diagnostics of traditional or conventional medicine. G.P's are so under pressure with caseloads that they can only short circuit health problems temporarily. Cocktails of drugs eventually exacerbate what ails you. Analgesics hide the damage of muscle and bone pain. Another example. Gastric or reflux damage are treated these days with acid inhibiting medication that mask stomach cancer.
If it's in the British Nurse Formulary it will fix things for a while. But drugs only 'contain' they don't cure.
In contrast. The art of healing is not about gambling with such poor odds.
Starting from every corner of the anatomy, by a process of elimination to 'heat seek' the focal point of pain and testimony bears out and cannot be dismissed that using perfectly natural remedies produce startling results in most cases. The evidence is overwhelming. Healers have insight on lifestyle and dietary advice. They enhance the body spirit energies from top to toe. Improvement of self-image and most importantly the positive forces within us all that act as powerful reserves fight disease, improve the immune system and optimise your quality of life.
The mind and body unite to whup infection. Lick pain and nail symptoms.
The saying goes. "The person that thinks he can and the person thinks he can't, …are both right." Not mind over matter so much as both mind and matter expelling illness by mental, physical and spiritual bonding.
Healers, eccentric or otherwise will turn your problem 'on its head' and have a whole new treatment regime to kick-start your body onto the road to reach a higher level of better health by education of your body and consciousness. Forming a line of physical and spiritual focus. To use your own 'lifeforce elements' to banish pain and disease. It works successfully, if you listen to your body and the same principles can be and are applied against mental illness.
Healers don't use placebos. They keep it real.
Lets look at the facts?
Do peanuts or oysters make you sexy?
This is probably an old husbands tale? But there is some truth in such notions. Although peanuts and oysters will more probably make you thirsty more than sexy.
I kissed somebody after eating oysters and it was like fellating filleted haddock!
Let's have some fun with two popular fantasies.
Are carrots good for your eyesight?
Is fish good for the brain?
It may be 'crunchtime' for carrots!
Did we honestly believe "eating all our carrots" would help us see in the dark?
These days having random luminous stripes at intervals across your clothes seem to have more effect in nocturnal excursions requiring pilot vision. The sort of scenario I remember was when my Mother said...
"Why haven't you eaten your carrots, boy? You know how good they are supposed to be good for your eyes."
My answer would be, "Its alright, Mum! I've got a new torch!"
Was eating carrots better than buying binoculars?
It was always more of an incentive for Mother to threaten me with a clip around the ear if I left the food, than her promises of better eyesight. However, the option of no banana custard for dessert was more encouraging than glaucoma.
Anyway if carrots were so good to prevent blindness what about rabbits and mixomotosis?
How is it Sainsbury slaughter 18,000 rabbits annually if carrots are so good for their eyes? Not so good if you end up in pieces covered in 'stretch and seal' on supermarket shelves, they aren't!
How is it that our country roads are strewn with squashed hares? How good is your vision if you didn't see the truck in time.
Or the rest die in animal testing laboratories? They didn't see that coming, did they?
Why do they proverbially freeze in front of headlights? Why, when they can use speed up to 30kph and have huge feet for 'big steps and plenty of 'em'? Oh why, do they languish in the middle of the road?
Too busy eating a carrot, no doubt?
Why does the very word 'carrots' sound like 'cataracts' anyway?
Wasn't the 'Head rabbit' in 'Watership down' half blind.
Hare coursing is proven to be very bad for a rabbit's eyesight (hare today ...gone tomorrow!)
Carrots are not good for much, apart from feeding mules and that sends them stupid.
For instance, if fish is good for the brain, why do whales have the tiniest one of any living mammal in comparison to its size?
Answer this, if tuna fish are so clever why do they allow dolphins to get caught in their nets? Don't fish have a more advanced form of communication system than us? Yet, do we end up sat in someone else's shopping trolley just because they got too close to you when you both went for the same box of Weetabix at Tesco?
What about the Japanese then? They kill thousands of sharks simply for the dorsal fin? That's about as intelligent as mugging an old lady for fifty pence!
If shark-fin soup was so good for your senses, including your sex drive, why don't the Japanese design a car for people over five foot?
The Cod war in the seventies, was that entirely sensible?
Keeping goldfish in aquariums? What's all that about then? Is it really because humans find them pretty Because watching sea and river life die in cramped conditions is, somehow, 'therapeutic' and thus good for you. Hardly much fun if you are a fish though, is it?
Fishing? Well, I rest my case. People must have the brains of a mongoose to sit alone all day 'frozen up the chuffer' in the pouring rain throwing maggots in the middle of some dyke far away from a very tolerant and perhaps unfortunate family. Only to catch some pathetic fish in order to feel fulfilled as a man. Then…
After soggy hours of cramp, a running nose and the ever present need for a bowel movement ...finally our lucky fishermen catch the prize of the day.
A five ounce perch!! Then what does our master fisherman do? Throw the poor blighter back? Only Eskimo's hunting for their supper have any idea on the virtues of fishing and just look what they invented for the edification of future generations ... Pingu! That's It!
If Jesus said become 'fishers of men' should you frequent more gay bars?
Remember, Jonah from the bible? How about Pinocchio? Both these guys did some pretty dumb things with fish!
What kind of a genius do you have to be to sell fish and chips?
Flipper's human friends were a bit thick if they could tell by a series of un-intelligible, shrill, clacking noises that a major crime was about to unfold.
Findus the fisherman is obviously a paedophile. Would you allow your kids to sail around the ocean with a dodgy old seaman flogging fish fingers with grey bits in?
How old are you?
What about Sam Kidd in the sixties popular series or weekly, 'fishy' story called "Orlando"? A part time boatmen turned detective who always looked like he had just had a disappointing toilet experience and sporting a 'bummy', toothless smile. His swarthy furrows and woollen hat, making him look, for all the world that he had forgotten his medication. What is the attraction? Mariners with fishnets and thigh length boots trying to catch crabs. Having to play 'ships and docks' when sucking a 'Fisherman's friend'. Why can't they be satisfied with a small tug?
It's a fish! All.
Who would believe that free thinking posh partygoers have "all there chairs around the table" yet, will eat the afterbirth of a fish and spread it over a biscuit for fifty two squid. I mean quid.
Here are some Fishy facts that that prove that our subterranean friends are 'out to lunch'. Ask yourself these ocean ongoing questions:
Why do salmon swim the wrong way up a river?
Why are fish fingers called that when they clearly are not?
Why can you tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish?
Why is it called Dover Sole when they are more than one of them?
Why does the 'Portugese man-o-war' choose a victim and smother it with poisonous barbs? When all you want to do is have a paddle and you are nowhere near the Algarve at the time?
With friends like that who needs anemones?
Sea Urchin for love?
I'm no naval man, (More your tits and bum bloke, really) but can all of us be aware and look at what happens when you are becalmed at sea and what diseases young men in close proximity with each other may get. 'Any port in a storm' as the saying goes.
My Father was in the Navy during the war and he never brought back anything from Singapore that he couldn't give to his wife and call German measles.
Scurvy is no longer the threat especially if you are 'sliding along on the chest of a slave'!
To be more Pacific.
Just a few hundred years ago, some South sea islands were almost wiped out by western STD's or STI's as they are now known. Why?
It was imported venereal disease by white carriers. European sailors. A lot of infection caused by 'below decks' activity with whores and homosexuals.
Did you know?
In fact, the phrase 'show a leg' came from what beach bunnies did as a custom while stupored sailors returned with a wench. Once smuggled into in to the hold, stumbling through the foul dank darkness the lusty 'lagged up' couple came aboard looking for a vacant hammock to sleep in. The women already stowed and coupling with sailors would 'show a leg' to say that the bed/bunk/hammock was occupied. A chink of light would reflect on the soft white skin in the murky steamy musk of the blackness.
"Show a leg" means to 'get out of bed' today. But back then it meant "Bugger off and leave us in bed" and gave new meaning to the phrase 'swinging for it'.
Sailors today use C.B radio and do not look down on homosexual activity. The sick bay has condoms for free use. Hence the sign off "Roger and Out".
"What shall we do with the drunken sailor?
" He was too hammered to get into a hammock, let alone have a shag in one. (Not much fun and a grapple with gravity when you are sober too) The song has a series of worrying lyrics but I think "Hooray, and up she rises" is wishful thinking.
No fishing for compliments.
Come to think of it, if anyone stinks of fish it is considered an anti-social health or hygiene problem.
Hang on! Doesn't soap derive from whale's blubber? People from Cardiff or Swansea sing a lot and get emotional but that is a different kind of Wale's blubber!!
I have even found out that if the police find a 'roach' in your house you may get arrested.
What is peculiar is that the Mediterranean neighbour to Corsica, Sardinia. This beautiful isle is famous for, you've guessed, its sardines. But they call the Brit sunbathers 'Tuna bellies' because of the pink scaly midriffs of people, who these days come from Blackpool and refuse to wear sunblock. The natives of Alghero are called 'Sardinians', not (as I learned to my cost) "Sardines" and, that is why they avoid hotel elevators and never share taxis.
The chief industry is seafood and sardines big as trout teem the shores.
Get them fresh from the local market! Toast them on sticks on the beach like the townspeople. Delicious!
Sardinia throughout history has been the most embattled, captured and overthrown community on the planet with over eighty adversaries during its be leagued, unfortunate military history. In Alghero they have an old military fort that is now a prison.
The inmates know that they may end up in the 'can' but prefer not to have the ring pulled.
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