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I’M A CELEBRITY : GET ME OFF EBAY
Here’s a bit of fun. You’ve all heard of eBay haven’t you? You know that little website where you can buy and sell just about anything. Maybe you’ve already used it yourself to sell your unwanted or unused items. Or maybe you’ve bought something on eBay. Something rare, or unusual, or useful, or just plain silly. There really are some very strange things on offer there almost every day. Go on take a look Ebay
Anyway. What do you think our beloved celebrities do with their old ‘tat’. Give it to the charity shop? Naa! They sell it on eBay. Here are a few carefully crafted examples of the sort of bargains you might find on a online auction next week, tomorrow, or even today.
GET ME OFF EBAY
Robbie Williams backstage pass to appear on 'Trish'
David Seamen anagram for his last name 'Enema's (who says nothing gets past him?)
Arnold Shwartzeneggers benchpress (he won't be spending 12 hours a day in the gym now!)
Laurence Llewellen Bowen's personal handmirror in scrolled gothic 'very euro bohemian' gilted in gold flake and old virginia with those art deco pure Mackintosh paisley and international chiswick flyover bunting curls for those who like doing impressionism for the renaaissance cubist and MDF nailgun.
Paul Wellers K-tel and Ronco D.I.Y barber kits.
Nicki Clarkes invoice for the above to re-package and re-sell.
Sean Connery's buspass for public transport that is customised by 'M' containing laminate four hidden exocet missiles and silver bead chain that turns into a instant garrote and with one quick rub on the id serial number will send a jet of battery acid into the busdrivers eyes if he misses your stop.
Jonathan Ross's warrant for arrest concerning a missing blouse from Laurence Llewelyn's wardrobe.
Atomic Kittens used pregnancy testers.
Keith Richard's lung biopsy.
Goldie Hawn's complete colonic irrigation set borrowed from Joan Rivers.
Syd Barretts memoirs consisting of 983 blank pages except the last one which say "Fuck me what was that shit?"
Kenneth Brannaugh's Harley St request for votox injections in his lips.
New Power generation vocalist formerly know as Prince penile vacuum pump.
George Michael's portaloo.
Dick Van Dykes cockney voiceover tape for Americans visting Tower Bridge. "And 'ere's tower bridge ..luvverly tell yer Mum..everyday's an' 'oliday wiv Mary...Mornin' guvner, supercalifragilisticexpialeedocius,let's go fly a koit..."
Planning permission for Christine Hamilton's brothel.
Pamela Anderson's bikini line strimmer.
Ian Duncan Smith's "Speaking Up" self-assertion certificate of attendance.
Robert De Niro's children's story bedtime tapes with a goodnight kiss and the words "Hit the hay, Motherf******"
Al Pacino's cuddly toy with string pull vocals like " You Dumb F*** where's the Motherf******g toybox ?
A**hole, eat my S*** you dirtbag Motherf*****g lowlife c***sucking Motherf*****r I'm gonna blow your Mother
F*******g head off ..so F*** you A**hole!.
Jo Brand's hammock.
Deidre Barlow's turtle neck sweaters with matching sinews.
Johnny Depp's hair removal cream for non-shavers.
O.J Simpson's lawyer's written request to represent Ian Huntley.
Ozzy Osbournes ordinance survey map to the fridge.
Jack and Kelly Osbournes new arrival back to planet they came from.
Elton John's first National Health specs.
Bobby Sand's and Karen Carpenters un-used Tesco vouchers.
One thousand easy-jet tickets to a country that needs liberating.
P.O Ferry for Asylum seeker beano to the Isle of Wight plus 50,000 tickets.
Pierce Brosnan's blue screen he uses on set just to prove to his eight children that their Dad is crap at his own stunts.
Mo Mowlams 'Babylisse' hairbraiding set.
Billy Connolly's tips to avoid beetroot eating and goatie care.
Jeffrey Archers prison guide to taking the piss without a slop bucket.
Book on "Is Shergar catfood?"
Also book entitled "Is Lord Lucan that grey headed old bastard on my bus?"
Copy of the "Catkins diet". You can eat everything apart from pussy.
Secret Bob the Builder tapes and what he really said when asked "can you fix it?" Hard evidence reveals comments by him were heard by five yearolds like " Fuck off mate I've only got one pair of hands." and " What ? In this bloody weather?" and finally "My names not sodding Paul Daniels, John......not a lot....there goes my mobile...gotta meet a customer down the pub.....I'll let you know what the damage is when I get back...can I put this fag out in your waterbutt? Bloody 'ell is that the time?...I'm off down the road mate...I'll bill ya ...be lucky."
Ulrika Johnsons virginity.
Cliff Richards call girl phonelist.
Bernards Matthews Linda McCartney sausages.
Michael Jacksons nasal hair trimmer.
Stephen Spielbergs Kodak instamatic.
Jamie Olivers Asda loyalty card.
George Clooneys pilecream
Donald trumps 'trump' in a bottle.
Colonel Saunders Linda Mc Cartney sausages
Opra Winfrey's last donut wrapper
David Blanes catheter
Michael Barrymores water wings
Philippa Forrester's Robowars handheld vibrator
President Bush's favourite hiding place to wank.
Ossama Bin Ladens favourite cave painting
Saddam Hussiens collection of favourite amputees.
Paul McCartneys favourite lifelike prosthesis.
Victoria Beckams live recordings of the Spice girls and entire solo singing career (no reserve)
David Beckam's favourite waste paper basket
Geri Halliwells puke bucket
The latest human suicide bomber Sylvanian family figure with Islamic extremist squirrels complete with rucksacks of pretend plastic explosives (thats why their plastic).
The list is endless and I could write these rather sick parodies until the cows come.
"Ebay auction ideas for the rich and famous past and present"
The sicker the better. For instance "The paving slab that John Lennon died on...it was his last hit." Or Liam Gallaghers charm school pass certificate.
Cilla Black's Ronnie McDonald cardboard cut out she uses when she can't attend award ceremonies.
A photograph of Claire Rayner trying to place a violin under her chin
Anastasia's appendectomy scar tracing paper.
David Attenboroughs comb.
Dickie Attenboroughs comb.
Scott Tracy's pistol grip water sprayer for those tense moments of perspiration.
Tom Cruise's shoe lifts.
Charles Dance's equity card.
Meg Ryans collection of suicide notes.
Prince Harry's bong.
Dr Stephen Hawkins Twister game.
Jeremy Springers prayer book.
Madonnas loofer.
Jordan's revolving door technique while explaining the Maastricht treaty.
Catherine Zeta Jones L.A /Welsh accent for those who don't care what she says.
Phil Mitchells safety razor
Fat Boys Slim's bathroom curtains shirt collection
Zoey Wannamakers alter ego Felicity Kendall.
Jades chess set.
Craig's from the first Big Brother's book called "Dey doo doo dat dough, don't day?"
Cher's skewer for pinning her ears together at the back of her head.
Bjork's recording of scratching her fingernail down a blackboard.
Charlie Dimmock's sports bra.
Alan Titchmarsh and Richard Whiteley's co-authorship of "Witty oneliners for those want to be on the telly."
Eminems collection of Mother's day cards.
Harry Potter's Grandmother Ann Robinson.
JK Rowlings psychiatric assessment.
Don’t forget to check the eBay auctions every day.
You never know what you might be tempted buy!
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