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DON’T BANK ON BANK ROBBERS
According to police in Toledo, Ohio, in March, during the robbery of the Gold Star Market, Joseph Allen Wilson, 18, accidentally shot and killed his 30-year-old accomplice, who was posing as a customer and whom Wilson was "threatening to kill" as part of the clever plan to get the clerk to open the register. [Winnipeg Sun, 4-2-04] [The Blade (Toledo), 3-23-04]
If you are not Canadian here
is a picture of Canada that if you
look more closely is yellow from the air.
I am the size of Canada and here
is another picture to prove it.
You can’t bank on bank robbers
Top tips for thieves.
First golden rule for all bank robbers. Don’t kill the getaway driver or fellow co-robber-ators.
Second rule. Don’t wait in the queue politely until the cashier has time to see you. Or write demands on paper and then push the messages under the glass panel. Tellers just don’t have time for this kind of thing.
Third rule. Don’t expect old people to lie down on the floor if they have arthritis. Or put their hands on their heads with two bags of heavy shopping. If you ever want to come back and rob this establishment again, always try and be courteous.
Fourth rule. Don’t kidnap the bank manager or members of their family unless you have brought along plenty of sandwiches.
Bank robber jokes
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewellery in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
Blonde Bank Robbers
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins.
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
Now to give some advice to bungling petty thieves everywhere. If you haven’t paid for it or it belongs to someone else leave it alone and stop making yourselves look like cowardly and with some issues to many to mention. To be successful at theft one has to do real research.
Do you really need to steal to support a drug habit?
The solution is simple. If you must steal and get stoned, cut out the ‘middle man’, and nick an Airfix model from a toy store and then build it in a small poorly ventilated room, inhaling the cellulose glue fumes at close range. Presto! You will have a new and impressive model for your collection and the ‘fix’ of a lifetime while doing something, quite literally, constructive. Your new hobby will soon become quite addictive.
Or, simply pretend you are stealing drugs, and already a bonafide ‘pusher’ by pinching your Mum’s Bicarbonate of Soda and ‘cutting’ it with Talc. You don’t get ‘wasted’ but its very good for clearing your sinuses and giving your breath that Lily of the Valley smell. Try snorting un-cut self-raising flour if you want to get higher.
Make your own snuff out of Ginko Biloba powder and emptying a capsule on your wrist, sniff one nostril at a time. It will have holistic effects and leave you looking very windswept and interesting while totally unharmed.
If you want to get free money from the state lie with a blanket in shop doorway pretending to ‘mainline’ with an icing syringe.
Soft, fashionable drugs like ‘weed’ can be substituted with loose Earl grey in a Rizla painted with your girlfriend’s nail varnish.
Forget about drugs ..don’t be dumb... and don’t stand around with your finger up your bum.
Stay away from mind altering substances. For example. Strong curries or a dodgy kebab will cause paranoia if you are nowhere near a toilet. Carnation milk poured on your fruit salad at dinner parties will cause you to feel nausea. Eating too much popcorn on the balcony of the cinema may cause you to look down on people. Trying to kiss your date after cheese and onion crisps and ten pints of real ale will lead to your partner’s sexual dysfunction.
Drug abuse is a serious problem. Don’t take drugs unless you can afford them without stealing. Find a friend who works for the Nat West and has access to all the dormant accounts.
Don’t share needles. Get your own or try crochet or cross stitch instead.
Invite dealers around your house before they get the ‘munchies’ and they end up eating all your Ginger nuts.
Call the Police if you want report a potential drug bust. You never know they may cut you in, after the arrest.
 If you think you have already taken drugs look at this image. If it looks like a perfectly normal, balding elderly male…you are really f*cked up.
Thought for the day:
Our streets would be far safer if armed Police would stop firing warning shots into the air at fleeing Bank robbers and we could be sure that the stray bullets landed harmlessly.
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