Cockroach Crunch

Did you know that a cockroach is one of the most anti-social and aggressive species on the planet? It is also the laziest. It spends three quarters of it’s life wanting a ‘ruck.’ They even, look like yobs in there pretend leather jackets and ‘nare-do–well’ swagger.

Also a cockroach can squeeze its frame into a hairline crack or the thickness of a penny.

So with this information, what you have here, is a violent insect who knows where to hide for a some shuteye.

The dialogue would be:

“Fancy a fight?”

“Ok, wake me up in ten.”

Not all cockroaches are as sweet as this little fellow.

Only the other day I answered the door, to a six foot cockroach with a machete. He was very abusive and called me a ‘big tit’. I wish I had known beforehand a nasty bug was going around.

Ahh! Poor roaches. Getting old. What are we humans supposed to do? Whenever my wife sees the little suckers she ages 20 years anyway. If I don’t help with the chores around the house she will be dead before her 25th birthday.

Maybe I should make a little day care centre out of my young daughter’s doll’s house. Where am I going to find other qualified cockroaches with an NVQ in care, with uniforms and meals on duty? What chemist is going to dispense controlled drugs that cockroaches can take orally? Should I paint hundreds and thousands sugar candy, with morphine or let them suck laxative from a Johnson’s baby bud? Imagine the sketch on this:

“Have you been a good boy Mr Cockroach? Or, do I have to fetch the thimble and tweezers again.”

“Do you want me to push you closer to the window, Colin? Hang on, Let me just use my ‘moving and handling’ skills to manoeuvre you on this toy Sylvanian pram. Don’t eat all the whole biscuits. Take some of the broken ones, or I won’t let you phone your daughter before lights out, you ungrateful cow.”

Yes, that’s right my, research bears it out, female cockroaches are ‘cows’ and the males are called “Rams”.

The male title of ‘Ram’ conjures up images of a very virile insect. Well, yes and no. They only have to mate with a female once to keep her pregnant for her entire life. What worry’s me is that as she only lives a month if she misses a period, she really is fucked.

But the male does a neat job of fertilisation, presenting the sperm in a sort of ‘giftwrapping’ that is full of tasty protein and nutrients for the prospective Mother to eat. Makes a change from hearing, “Ugggh …it tastes like bloody glue.”

Male cockroaches also emit a loud hissing noise while courtship. So do I. It’s called asthma.

Cockroaches give kids asthma, but will keep babies amused for hours. Children over four will spend all the day looking for the remote control.

Here is a specimen of largest cockroach in the world. It is found in South America and is six inches long with a one foot wingspan. If you should ever stumble across one like the above, my advice would be this. If you see this creature, stay calm, walk up to it very slowly, whispering words of reassurance, and then let it share your pizza.

According to recent studies a cockroach would survive 800 times more radiation than humans. Proving that Hiroshima was no answer to the infestation there.

Most flourish in hot, damp regions like Asia, Florida, and the ‘Big Brother’ laundry basket.

In a nuclear holocaust, these robust armour plated pests could carry on, even if one survived a direct hit and had it’s little head blown off. Experts say, that it will take a week to die, and only then as will die of thirst because it’s mouth is missing. I don’t understand. The above news flash tells us that they are more worried about getting up stairs or using the Internet.

“I’ve got no head, but I’m more concerned about my joints. Why don’t they make Ralgex in my size.”

“Oh, fuck, there goes another 1000 megaton bomb. Well, never mind that. I can do bombs. It’s my physiotherapist asking me to use the treadmill I’m dreading. If she knew how they have had to re-write the medical books ‘with my back’. I get numbness and pain all down one side you know?”

Numbness and pain? That’s like having antihistamine served out of a half full pepperpot.

Right. You sleep most of the day. Shag, eat and gangfight, and end up moaning about having to climb stairs?

Carol: “How was your day, dear husband?”

Colin:“Oh, got into a fight down the pub latrine, as you do. Cornered the bastard in a used condom. It’s alright I saw him coming. Then I knobbed this bird in a dustbin outside and then fell asleep in some vomit.”

Carol: “Quiet night then?”

Apparently, these hardy species have been on the earth for 400 million years. They only live a month, yet you can’t get rid of them? 400 million years ago (It’s funny why these evolutionists just bung the zeros on. Why can’t they say “400 million years ago on a Leap year, not including bank holidays?”) we didn’t have Curry houses, so where did they live? Did they just say?

“Fancy coming around for bite, Colin?”

“Great idea, Chris. What’s for dinner?”

“Well, I thought we could get a takeaway.”

“Oh, haven’t you got any grub in already?”

“Don’t be silly, I’ve got bugger-all, but some molten lava soup in my dead tree.”

“Can’t we just eat a bit of bark off the walls?”

“No, no I don’t want you eating me out of house and home. Let’s find a Curry house?”

“Don’t talk bollox, it’s 400 million years B.C on Ash Wednesday. We won’t get a curry around here.”

“Oh, well fancy something hotter than a Madras, then?”

“Yeah, how about some molten lava soup?”

Now, there are 5000 species of cockroach and they all have six legs enabling them to walk as fast as 3kms an hour. Big deal. I have only two legs and can almost manage that.

They have eighteen knees. But they also produce many young in one go so they will come in handy with telling bedtime stories. They also have the added advantage of being able to kneel down readily, should they need to pray or become knighted and still dribble effectively.

It is virtually impossible to wipe out cockroaches because they are like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Convinced they will survive Armageddon. Irritating and persistent. Thickskinned and always trying to get in your house. With eighteen knees they will easily get their foot in the door. One exception. Jehovah’s Witnesses could live much longer than a week without a head, as they have not used their brains for years now.

They have antennae (not JW’s, that’s just a crap haircut) that rival any surveillance equipment NASA can offer. If the insect were blind and deaf it’s ‘radar’ could still navigate to the biscuit tin. That’s why if you offer a Jehovah’s Witness a cup of tea inside your house, you will never get rid of them.

A cockroach with it’s special antennae

You can step on a cockroach and watch a milky splodge, spurt out. It’s fat. It lives off this fat using it as an energy deriving store. So, after one good meal, it can live without food for the rest of it’s 28 day life. You can see how much they have to accomplish in one day and all they want to do is loll about. If I had only a month to live, I would hope to achieve more than just gorging myself on fast food and making love in between naps.

(On the other hand?)

The cockroach can easily digest wood. Making blowjobs easy.

Cockroaches are omnivores. This means they will put anything in their mouth. Making blowjobs easy.

Mr and Mrs Cockroach. Guess which is Mr Cockroach?
The clue is in the first four letters of his last name.

Did you know that one pair of German cockroaches can give life to millions of young? Adolf and Eva sort of did the opposite, but that’s another story.

The largest of cockroaches are the Americans. What a surprise.
I can hear them all now, “Back home we got ‘roaches’ this big around!”

Spot the American cockroach in this picture.

Finally. The New Zealand Y2K Readiness Commission has given new meaning to the phrase 'millennium bug'. The commission employed Ken, a computer-generated cockroach, to urge New Zealanders to hoard essential supplies in case the world ended on New Year's Eve, 1999. In the event that you found yourself starving, however, the commission helpfully included the following 'succulent' cockroach recipe in its press kit.

Todays’ recipe:

Cockroach on Toast.

Simmer cockroaches in vinegar. Then boil with butter, farina flour, pepper and salt to make a paste. Spread on buttered bread.

Well, why not? They are already full of fat, and that is very sweet tasting, but with a crunchy, salty outside just like a Dorito, dipped in a cheesy dip. Always make sure you take a cocktail stick and separate the gall bladder from the spleen as it is bitter tasting. Party Poppers or a game of scrabble will add to the atmosphere and make your meal more fun.

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All content on this site is subject to copyright © 2000/2006
If you wish to use anything either text or graphics please ask permission