|
Cannibals.. "Eat your heart out!"
A German man gets eight years for eating a consenting victim who wants to be slaughtered like a pig. We have no laws on cannibalism within the European justice system for willing human delicacies.
What a surprise! These people have either crap cooks for parents or think that humanitarianism is the opposite of vegetarianism.
It brings a whole new meaning to having friends over for a meal, doesn't it?
Apparently Internet surfers who want to meet to literally 'have lunch with a friend' invite eager volunteers to come around for a 'bite' and start their own homemade 'carvery' after getting to know them over a glass of wine. And a 'pair of teeth' (aperitif?) is all that's left!!
At what point did these people decide that a bucket of chicken was fowl and 'Tesco's finest Chinese for two' was a bit bland? What made these normal and neighbourly people conduct mutilations with no mango and lime chutney in sight?
Do contemporary cannibals sit on buses and look at the passengers as potential meals on wheels?
If they 'fancy an Indian for a change' do they steal an Asian from a bus queue and wrap them in clingfilm. Bung them in the boot of the car and order prawn crackers and Naan bread by phone as a side dish?
This animalistic behaviour is excused in part as one of our primal urges. The most intimate and respectful ritual one can perform on another human being.
I had a girlfriend who dressed like a 'dog's dinner' all the time. I had no sudden inclination to eat her. Apart from one incident remember where the police were involved and they found her ankles resting on the wing mirrors of my Ford Escort. I had the right to remain silent because my mouth was already full.
The sickness of this world knows no bounds.
This next joke might offend but so does coriander. Which is more disgusting?
Two cannibals watch a light aircraft above the jungle develop engine trouble. It spirals out of control into the trees and the two cannibals run to the scene to pull the dead pilot from the wreckage. Tummies rumbling they use a makeshift rotisserie out of broken branches and soon the pilot is sizzling with the aroma of roasting human flesh. The starving savages put the crispy Captain on a palm leave (and they say grace) and then look at each other puzzled.
"How do we eat him so we each have a fair share?" One drooling native says.
"That's easy we just start on one leg each and then we will divide him properly," the other tribesman suggests.
So they start chomping through the crunchiness of the toes and the first cannibal says
"How are you doing?"
The second cannibal says "Oh I'm having a ball!"
The first cannibal snaps back "Hey …. you're eating too fast."
You see that 'well seasoned' joke sets the scene for 'would be' cannibals.
Ask yourself this. "Look, if you were hungry enough, could you eat absolutely anything???" For instance: The garnish left on your plate with a Wimpy meal? Ok. You're a lightweight then?
What if your 'human bait' had bad feet? Would you leave them at the side of the plate? The 'plates of meat' I mean?
What about his 'meat and two veg'? His 'luggage'? They would seem like giblets from inside a 'Buxted' wouldn't they? Not nice.
What is it that drives a person to do this unspeakable act? In the name of civilisation and human decency, is there not one vestige of purity left on this godforsaken planet?
Well oral sex is not to everybody's taste.
Back to cannibalism.
How do they 'set' the table? If there were a waiter being trained to serve cannibals in a restaurant for human consumption, how would he introduce the menu?
"Well Sir, and Madam. Tonight's speciality is a middle-aged man from Wapping called Simon. He used to work for British Telecom and is little overweight and addicted to cigarettes. Errr..hem..You did say you like smoked food didn't you? He is recently divorced and so almost 'Free range'. May I suggest the 'rump steak' tonight as his arse was recently tenderised by a prostitute just prior to his death. Indeed, that is what caused his death! He hasn't showered for four days so 'he' will be a little salty, and he was fed on a diet of cheap Mexican food for the last two years, so don't forget to put your toilet rolls in the fridge when you get home."
If you have a desire to invite your in-laws around for a feeding frenzy where you get to keep their coats at the end of the evening. It's time to ask yourselves some soul searching questions about future nibbles!
Are cannibals 'out to lunch?'
Is a 'munchkin' from The Land of Oz a pintsized cannibal who fancies a good goblin?
Would a cannibal be offended if you said, that, "you were so hungry, you could eat a horse?"
When cannibals get 'the munchies' do they use small children for dips?
If cannibals go out for a meal and end up devouring eachother who picks up the tab?
When cannibals arrive at a dinner party do they bother re-cycling the wine bottles afterwards too?
How do cannibals practice safe sex? Do they eat the babysitter!
When a cannibal compliments you, and calls you, 'dishy' do they really mean it? Do they really think you are 'good looking' or are they just a bit peckish?
If they know they are about to be eaten, is it good table etiquette to evacuate their bowels first? Or is it 'Death by chocolate' for dessert?
Do female cannibals date Homebase staff because 'they love a man in uniform?'
To a cannibal would Naomi Campbell be like a Twiglet?
Would that psychic ball of fat Russell Grant cause cholesterol?
Would you have to eat Bill Gates with chips?
Could you make a Shish kebab out of Atomic kitten?
You couldn't make more than one course out of Frankie Dettori but would that be 'heavygoing'?
If anyone arrived with chapped lips would you need some coldsore? I mean, coleslaw.
Would Eddie Izzard already come dressed too eat?
Would you need meringue nests with Jordan?
Would eating George Best be cheaper than ordering wine?
Simon Cowell is a right bastard so would you end up being like him because 'you are what you eat"?
Who is your tastiest celeb?
What about Tom Cruise? Two bites big and well and truly The Last Samurai.
Jenny Lo? How do you get her hips in the microwave?
Dale Winton and Kilroy both look already basted.
Graham Norton washed down with a brandy? Once you've had one 'short' what's wrong with another?
Is Peter Andre's waffle stomach a bit chewy?
Is Dot Cotton a bit leathery?
Is Phil Tufnell a bit stringy?
Is Tony Blair a bit sickly?
Is Cherie served with an apple in her mouth? There's enough room.
If Victoria Beckham were sliced thinly would it fill a sandwich?
Do cannibals leave the tattoos last because they want to you to be 'put in the picture'?
Do they visit morticians just get into their 'drawers'?
Have they got to be nice to other cannibals just in case they may 'disagree' with them later?
Once you eat a cannibal with a speech impediment will he keep repeating on you?
If you eat a girl who you really are fond of will you have to keep bringing her up?
If you eat a cannibal that you fall in love with and then that person 'gives you the shits'.
Should, you be glad that person is out of your system?
If a cannibal is 'too good to eat all at once' can you just ask for their appendix on a cocktail stick?
Is a 'anti social' cannibal just a picky eater?
If a cannibal falls over and grazes his knee, and afterwards is told by his Mother, "not to pick the scab" does he make do with pork scratchings?
Have you got to stay awake just because a cannibal wants to 'chew the fat'?
Is an anorexic cannibal someone who will only eat your dandruff?
Are paranoid cannibals people who don't know what's eating them?
Do ungrateful cannibals 'bite the hand that feeds them'?
Do circumcised barmen ask cannibals to hang around for tips?
This cannibal article is all a bit tongue in cheek and that's where I want to keep it!
Is the only town or city in the UK safe from cannibals 'Nuneaton?'
Funny, I could murder a Thai.
|
