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BODY ART IN THE WORKPLACE
Once strictly reserved for sailors, biker types and less than savoury individuals, Body Art has found its way into companies all over the world. Although some of the corporate world is adapting, not all companies are ready for studded and inked employees.
Generally, body art is still viewed as a negative thing in the professional world but with the melding of so many cultures employers may find they have to come up with a dress code that limits employees' "personal expression" while not impinging on their civil liberties, since many cultures incorporate tattooing and piercing into their religious and or cultural ceremonies.
The other problem that arises is consistency in setting rules. While it doesn't really matter if the computer guy sitting in the back room can set off a metal detector while in the next room since he doesn't deal with the public, you better believe the employees who do, will be quick to point out that it is unfair and that their rights have been violated.
Sometimes it is just a matter of safety, people working near electrical lines, including telephone workers should refrain from wearing all types of jewellery.
While managers offer varied advice on how to create a solid dress code, most recognise that policies can differ across industries and corporate cultures. Many employees of banks and traditional corporations do not display body art, but in the entertainment field obviously you need to be more cutting edge.
The reality of the situation is that most employers are going to experience a generation gap when hiring new college graduates, things have changed drastically since most of them entered the workforce, but the real bottom line for most companies is not what the are internally comfortable with, but on how their client base will react. If their line of business deals primarily with a more conservative type of patron then the company has to impose stricter dress code (including jewellery and body art) limitations.
I can remember when Body Art was peculiar to muggers and people that wear string vests and smell of diesel. Tattoos have been with us since before Scottish people could play bagpipes. This took ages to learn and that's why most of them live down here now because of the din. Oh, you mean skin tattoos? Well, once again, from the earliest indigenous tribes, North American Indians, Aborigine, Inca, Aztec and even the ancient Briton found at Butlin holiday camps during the FA cup and since mud could be mixed with water, people have daubed themselves with markings. Why? Some believe it to be a ritual enjoyed by humans to resemble animals in the wild that have natural markings like the cat family, reptiles and Ozzy Osbourne. He has a lot of tattoos that would not get him a job in Debenhams, doesn't he? He was lucky to survive his quadbike crash simply because surgeons could paint by numbers. His daughter was not involved in the crash. She always looks like that.
Did you know Zebras have vertical stripes to create an optical illusion? Think about it! The largest Zebra crossing in the world is in the African plains or the savannah. There is nothing to hide behind because it is flat wilderness. Animals that look like an oversized liquorice allsort, stick out like a sore thumb and that's why they never hitchhike either. In the rising heat of this vast blistered landscape the temperature soars and the ground shimmers in that 'mirage-like' fashion giving the appearance of wiggly air. Put some Zebras in the wiggly air and, presto, perfect camouflage. Zebras may look the same but they each sport their own bar code. Just because they are named after a safe route across the high street doesn't mean we can walk all over them.
Camouflage is difficult for humans. So we go to Army and Navy stores to buy jungle clothes to hide in the garden when we want a day off work. People who don't work anyway tend to wear Khaki trousers to disguise the fact they might crap themselves if they were ever offered a job. Commandos use shoe polish to black their faces. If you are of 'mixed race' you will survive in combat far easier than Caucasians with scuffed boots.
Pamela Anderson got married to Tommy from 'Motley Crew' and instead of having a regular wedding band they chose to have each others name tattooed, or encircling their 'ring' fingers the letters 'Pammy and Tommy'. Pamela on Tommy's hand and Tommy's on Pamela's hand. All because they couldn't be bothered to go To Argos and check out some synthetic (that means 'pretend') jewellery in the 'Elizabeth Duke' section. How cheap can you get? He is spattered with tattoos of all kinds of mythical figures that must of cost him a painted arm and a leg. What does he do? He gives his wife a scribble on her mitt because he hasn't sold any of his crap, inaudible, squawking records lately. They broke up later and she had the lettering changed to 'Mommy'. How sick? So, now she is married to her own Mother, and after looking at her homemade videos on the Net, I bet they don't say goodnight with a firm handshake anymore. Apparently, Pamela was going to have a tattoo of a herd of wildebeest galloping across her left boob and The Tundra scribed on the right 'hooter', but the tattooist, would not live long enough to complete it. By which time Pam's famous 'headlights' would have to be seen, by lifting up her dress.
Lots of mariners of sea faring history had tattoos for all kinds of superstitious reasons. Christ on the cross was a popular one for roguish or errant deckhands. They wore the crucifix on their back to encourage the Bosun to be lenient with the 'cat' during a flogging. Tattoos were a 'swab's' way to guarantee protection of the perils of the deep. Scurvy used to bugger them up a bit though. Imagine eating cornflakes and the bowl never emptying? If I were a pirate in those days of yore, I would ask the ship tattooist to paint me as a hammock, and I would tie my ankles to both sides of the hull below deck. When they brought whores into the hold or the odd grass-skirted bint, for some 'slap and tickle' I could join in the fun without anyone noticing. As long as my bed-mates were not more interested in the 'poop deck' and 'little boy's botty games! Just because I'm a hammock doesn't mean I 'swing' both ways.
Yes, years ago, if you had a tattoo you were instantly stereotyped as a boozing prize-fighter or a single mother taking the piss out of the benefit system.
If you walked into a job interview with 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' on your legs then you would probably not get the job. The fact you were naked, didn't do you any favours either.
Lots of famous people have permanent tattoos. 'Gorby' has once on his bonce that looks a cross between 'The Americas' mapped during the days of the Old British Empire, or that he was perhaps the victim of a pigeon with a huge 'haemorrhoids' accident. He has recently had this natural 'splash of colour' insured. Why? Is it going to wash off in the shower?
Nowadays, you don't have to live in a mobile home, have sex with barmaids, or watch the 'Trisha show' to have a tattoo. It has evolved into an, 'Artform'. Eastern art originated this idea. For instance the Japanese as far as 10,000 years before Christ were using very sophisticated means to paint skin permanently.
Talking of Japanese art. Here is a true story. My brother in law got drunk with his mates and went to get a tattoo. He chose to have a Geisha girls face put on his left buttock. He is a psychiatric community nurse. (Who in God's name is looking after him?)
I have no problem with that …. except ... when I go out to get drunk I much rather fancy a Chinese. But it doesn't quite put me in the same league as him, does it? If he ever has to have to make a trip to the clap clinic and the nurse is Japanese (I don't know but in Essex there are a lot of G.U.M nurses wanting to look at dodgy dicks), it could raise an important professional issue. The young ethnic lady might think it a reflection, and start putting her make up on. She could lose her job because of such a distraction.
He originally was going to have a tattoo of that Welsh village with the extremely longwinded name, that sounds when you try to say it, that you are speaking to God down the big white telephone or have bad sinus trouble inside a wheelie bin. "Llangwyneth …glug…glug..leeks.. and lions.. shagsomesheep gobby gob gob".. or, something similar, you know the one I mean. Anyway, it didn't happen. Why? Because it was already November and so he had to be content with his hometown tag.. that of "Ely". (he never uses a postcode either, he just likes to pop it in the box)
What is the tradition about having to be absolutely 'locked with the sauce' to get a tattoo? Why not let the tattooist get pissed instead for a change?
In one sense, I'm glad there is no longer a stigma with wearing a tattoo. They have become socially acceptable for some time, ever since Paula Yates on the 'TUBE' had them strewn across her 'tarty' but lithe body. Nostalgically speaking of course. Anyway, they look far nicer than scars and hide stretch-marks effectively. Old people have them without asking. They are called liver spots.
Lets face it, if you go to the mall or church fete you can have henna or temporary tattoos done, to see if you like them better than your own birthmark. To be frank, though, galas, garden fetes or Bazaars are notoriously held in the Summer months when there is a huge amount of pollen about. One sneeze and your navel could end up looking like the National grid or fill with phlegm and act as an unwanted solvent.
I must say, the cheapest way to get a temporary tattoo is to go to a nightclub and chat up the DJ's girlfriend as I once did. The music went dead. All bodies stopped dancing and stared at me, and inside ten seconds I found myself frogmarched outside and playing 'cranium racket ball' with half a dozen bouncers. That was some body art, I can tell you. I was a virtual kaleidoscope of colour after they had played a tune on my ribs with their feet. It was at a club in Cambridge called "Fifth Avenue". It was situated in the Heidelberg Gardens on St Andrews Street… so the address was a bloody lie for a start. "Fifth Avenue" is in NY, isn't it? Talking of allergies. I found out I was allergic to broken legs there. I was left in a mangled heap and even when I came too and picked myself up along with various other parts of my anatomy, off the floor, the Taxi driver refused to take me to a hospital for fear of getting blood on his upholstery. Finally, I staggered to a phone kiosk and called an Ambulance for myself, as I could not see past the streaming vascular fluid in my closed and cut eyes. I was patched up good. Thirty stitches and a police statement later that made the papers I was discharged still every colour of the rainbow, so not a bad night out after all.
I had one girlfriend who had a very 'tasteful' and 'yummy' tattoo of a cement mixer on her vagina. I was 'twice round, and down'. It was a tattoo that never dried completely.
Just punch in 'Body Art' on any search engine and lo all kinds of wacky 'skin etchings' emerge.
Bearded Indians. Dragons and Trolls. Very ambitious stuff. I have considered a tattoo before, but I still think that wearer is a sort of outward symbol or silent cry of an individual in an identity crisis. It's an attention-seeking thing, a personal negative self-image psychosis.
Let me explain.
Just because you have a trendy tattoo does not mean it is acceptable to show off the saggy underarm it's attached too. When bats lift up their arms they don't care about excess skin because its generally already very dark and no one can see to stare at their flaccid flesh. Tattoos look great on some people. Like jodpurs do on horsewomen that like to feel a magnificent beast between their legs. But you wouldn't put Oprah Winfrey in a pair, would you? Come on, unfortunately we are not all Robbie Williams, or Anastasia look-alikes.
Like my brother in law with his Geisha tattoo. If he got pissed in a gay sushi bar he might end up with a sore bum but not from any tattoo. A homosexual would take one look at the Japanese face on his bare behind and it wouldn't be oriental 'fingerfood' for him anymore, so much as, 'toad in the hole' as a preference. It would be Pearl harbour all over again. He would be like a Kamikaze pilot looking for good 'frigate'. Not the sort of Japanese stranglehold I would wish on a straight person who still insists on being called a "Nurse".
If he farted it at the same time it could be from the Ming dynasty?
When my brother looks at his butt in 30 years time it will slowly become a bulldogs neck and the young Geisha tattoo will start to look 'slightly drawn' and somewhat 'feint'. She will start to have to shave and have nappy rash on her chin. The portrait of this one time oriental stunner, will have seen her fair share of Hakle's moists bed sores and probably be the only pair of eyes in living memory to see where he keeps his wallet.
Getting Pierced.
What I imagine is that all these walking scrap merchants will soon be needed to build extra tanks to send to Iraq. Rings, through, your genitals, and rivets through your gob. It must be like kissing a rooftiler's nailbag. Isn't some responsibility to be taken by health and security authorities for possible delays at airports because passengers with dozens of holes other than the ones God gave them, have to dismantle themselves, before they can enter metal detector?
What if they all got 'caught' or 'snagged' each other, en-masse, at Charing Cross? Like some massive magic trick using, linking metal rings, that went horribly wrong, while trying to get on a tube?
What if somebody with a hunk of junk through the top lip gets accidentally caught on the metal buckle of a back-packers rucksack? You could never be able to shout to stop the man in front his endless tracks…because he would be climbing Kilimanjaro tugging your bottom lip along. By the time he wondered if he had packed too much or needed more oxygen you arse would be freeze fried in your shorts and a T shirt at 15,000 feet.
What if you had a King Edward (Or is it William or James? I dunno … the one they put through the eye of your dick and underneath your helmet making peeing like an out of control carwash you can't turn off) in your penis and your girlfriend was using the contraceptive coil??? Lovemaking would sound like a Jews harp during the Virginia reel.
Studs, through tongues, lips and noses? It must be like almost like trying to drink your 'Cupasoup' through a colander.
Some of these people must sneeze like a crop-sprayer.
This is primeval, tribal, warlord behaviour. It's done to make you feel threatened by wearing 'war paint' and body armour. To make people who don't sound like chain-link fence when they walk, become intimidated. The only metal I want in my body is a hip and I won't be wearing that on the outside of my body until I'm cremated.
The only cold steel attached to my body right now is cutlery
I blame Jesus on the cross and 'Lurch' out of the 'Munsters'. They both wore body 'piercings' and now its high fashion.
Worry if you meet a Jehovah's Witness female pensioner with 'Love' and 'Hate' on both sets of knuckles while she flips the pages of her bible!
How would you feel if your neuro-surgeon had "Death and Glory" up his arms when he scrubbed up? Or your gynaecologist had 'Sex and drugs and rock and roll' across his first four fingers?
What if your babysitter had a picture of a machete on her tongue?
Body piercing is the result of a personality disorder. If you did it to yourself with out a local anaesthetic they would probably section you.
When are anuses going to get polaxed with hardware? Or has somebody already beaten me to it?
If people want to make themselves into human shish kebabs that's up to them but don't blame me if I vacuum the 'backs' of your rings by mistake.
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