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Here are some articles you may have missed
Earthmover Thank you all for your contributions to the first issue. We would like our readers to keep all your opinions anxieties and controversial scenarios to yourselves, then put them on floppy disc and send them to us. This disc-mag is your weapon .....  quick read
"Safe as Houses" How does the old saying go? "All that glitters is not gold". Bear with me while I remember with a smile the last time I had seen this ancient proverb and it was down in my local pub in the form of a framed bank cheque above the bar cash register. It was fixed securely amid optics and greasy mirror tiles ..... opinion
Health or Hoax - Which?? We as a society are a superstitious lot. How valid are the claims of Natural Medicine Practitioners or Therapists? There is certainly a lot of self- professed, complimentary health experts to tackle just about any malady. We are awash with acupuncturists, herbalists, aromatherapists, homeopathic or reflexologists. Not to mention the odd faithhealer ..... another view
Brian It was great to see you at my birthday. Then it was hard to see you or even focus after the second bottle! I have suffered dearly for my pleasures. I was bloody 'chemist' and totally 'mortal'. Thank God it is only once a year. (There are plenty of un-birthdays throughout the year I tend to celebrate too.) My wife has started speaking to me again and stopped leaving my luggage in the garden ..... careless
The following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test: Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments ..... open house
"Hand delivered to us by Lady June van Klaveren of St. Louishire, Missouri, and His Lordship Ron Chavez" Subject: Repossession of the United States ..... thoughts
Text Dumping Breaking up is hard to do - but some people think it's easier if you just send a text message. A survey in Britain finds nine per cent of Britons dumped a partner by sending a text message. It's particularly popular among young people - with 20 per cent of 15 to 24-year-olds saying they've dumped someone that way. A 15-year-old girl says it's common among teens because they find it easier to talk by text. She says a couple of her friends got dumped by text message. Many also use their cell phones to check up on loved ones. Forty-five per cent of women said they checked their partner's text messages, compared to 31 per cent of men.
E-mail Etiquette This part of the chapter is not just for newbies; even if you've written e-mail for years, review this section carefully. Certain unspoken conventions are very important to keep in mind when you're composing e-mail messages. If you were a novice before, you need to be a professional now ..... E-mail Etiquette
What to do about asylum seekers? How about this? Change International law and the constitutional bill of rights first. Why? Because it is self-contradictory and open to abuse. Think about the how impotent it is. Isn't it the first amendment that states that "all men are equal and born free"? Not if they live in Afghanistan or Iraq they are not. Not if they are Kurd or Macedonian at the moment ..... What to do about asylum seekers
Tourist Tantrums. One in three British couples admit to having a blazing row on holiday, a survey reveals. Most happen in the first two days of the holiday. The British survey of 800 people by travel agent Thomas Cook also found that one in ten didn't feel like their holiday had started until day three of the trip. And a fifth of those who argue were those who were under most strain from work or relationships. Philip Hodson, of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says, "Travel itself may be stressful, but more important is our biological difficulty in making the transition from work to play. It's a kind of jet lag of the spirit." We have all been there. Holiday rows are commonplace and essential for everybody to get into a holiday mood. We have reality shows now that teach us how to go berserk on holiday. “Airport” is a whole TV series devoted to showing holidaymakers as pedantic prats as the ground staff remain calm and collected. read more
Don't Bank on Bank Robbers. According to police in Toledo, Ohio, in March, during the robbery of the Gold Star Market, Joseph Allen Wilson, 18, accidentally shot and killed his 30-year-old accomplice, who was posing as a customer and whom Wilson was "threatening to kill" as part of the clever plan to get the clerk to open the register... read more
Xmas is coming the goose is getting fat… Why is that some folk love the c-word and others loathe it? It’s a fact that not all Christians are aware of the true meaning of c-word. That, for instance so much honour and grace be attributed to overindulgence. Like weddings it’s a good excuse for getting drunk, having your picture taken and enjoying a good feed. However, most people are not that god fearing as too many simmering Brussels sprouts are usually scary enough. read more
Senility or Stupidity. People say ‘Life begins at Forty’ but neglect to say you are f*cked at fifty. If Life begins at forty why do you have to be a Saga member at all? Charabanc of coffin dodgers singing ‘We’ll meet again’ stopping at every teashop because of weak bladders and to stuff themselves with scones. Yes, old age comes to all of us. I am just a year or two off the half-century mark and already exhibiting signs of dementia. For example: Sleeping with other women I believe to be my wife. Obliviously shoplifting, obviously. Forgetting it’s my round of beer. Burning the toast read more
SPORTS DAY LOOMS
Well, school Sports day looms this weekend. I have inherent fear seeping from every pore. Especially, when they ask parents to judge races that get very controversial and end up with heated exchanges...("Give me that sticker, my Timothy was first ..you fascist!" Leading you, to choose your words carefully... "How is Timothy's diet since they wired his jaws together?" ) Even more terrifying...parents being coerced to take part in an event themselves. There is always one Dad or Mum who does the London marathon every year, and expectantly wins breaking into a brisk stroll, while the rest of us, ageing candidates for heart attacks and St John's ambulance, don't have a crash cart in sight .... read more
LAME EXCUSES FOR NOT TURNING UP FOR WORK
I don't want to stop others from working. I have suffered an upsetting breakdown, and my bike has a puncture too. I have been invited to a body-painting party after contracting scabies. I am waiting for the microwave repair man, because our puppy defrosted too quickly. I have slipped a disc by copying a sex act the MD described. I need an eye test and the cinema might be a good way to try them out .... read more
TRAINING THE TRAINERS
A new "smart" running shoe from Adidas could revolutionise distance running and training. The company says it developed the "smart shoe", mating it with a computer chip to adapt its cushioning level to a runner's size and stride. A microprocessor in the arch of the shoe drives a tiny screw and cable system. It adjusts the heel cushion depending on the signals sent back by an electric sensor coupled to a magnet. It's powered by a battery that conserves power by adjusting the shoe while it is in the air during a runner's stride, avoiding resistance from the ground. read more
NO EXCUSE FOR IMPOTENCE
We marvel at the human body? How complex it's engineering? Why, though, when we reach the pinnacle of health and fitness everything starts 'to go South' and, particularly in the male species 'the little soldier' no longer wants to 'stand to attention'? Considering the different substances that form these astonishing 'vehicles' we inhabit, I find it almost inconceivable that men should ever have to lose their 'hydraulics' at any stage of our brief existence. read more
GARDEN OF STRESS
I had always wanted a back yard big enough for a vegetable garden. So when my husband and I last went house-hunting 16 years ago, that was a top priority. When we first saw the house, the back yard was certainly big enough. There was a little L-shaped patch in the corner of the back yard, hidden behind the privacy fence surrounding the hot tub and redwood deck. This little patch looked a little neglected, read more
School Uniform. Is cloning our kids giving them an identity crisis?
Kids and the way their minds work make me really think. They see past all the clutter and just focus on what is really important. It's a crime what adults do to pollute their free minds. That straightforward lack of self consciousness. read more
Ask not what your country can do etc etc..
Looks like you had a busy weekend. Posh paint. Oval blue, eh, I didn't know you moved in those circles! So the boys hog the TV watching Rugby? How do you tackle them over it? read more
Separating the Sheep from the Goats
I went to our local Cathedral 'Christingle' ceremony. An offering to 'see the light of Christ'. Of course the kids get right into it. They get to tramp around the vestry with a candlelit orange festooned with sweets impaled on cocktail sticks jabbed into the peel at effective angles to produce the most injury. Not content with having your eye out with this object of worship you are handed a song sheet with its very own health warning. I felt like a nun at a singles bar for the entire hour. read more
Brace yourself
I suppose its only when I become curious at my full figure at places like Debenhams. Where once I was trying on trousers that with stubborn determination I squeezed myself into. I was horrified that they were two sizes bigger than the pair I took off! read more
Canada Conundrum
Well, Canada is fab and funky. I have never been but I have a Canadian friend who goes into rapchewers over the place. It's big and cold but has a very nice line in whisky mixers. My friend loves Canada so much she visits twice a year, but still lives in this dreary country because we have a sense of humour read more
Free Choice or Free Will
I am a sort of an atheist but I do believe life has a purpose of infinite power, we are only beginning to see through the confusion. Those who are visual about this will 'see' it through perception. It will involve choices. Turn what we considered as fundamental knowledge on its head.. read more
You are what you eat. To the Batcave Robin
Do animals have rights? Is vegetarianism just a western luxury because of food choice not found in the Third world? How deep are your principles? Would you compromise them to survive, is this what real convenience food is? read more
Above and beyond the call of duty with 'Scare in the community'
Talking about work I have just been to S.K.I.P. to learn all about control and restraint of challenging behaviour of service users. I 'd like to try a few moves out on Beth actually! I spent all day grappling on the floor with young nurses trying to avoid having my nuts grabbed or being shown 'pin down' by two buxom females astride each end of my body! It was hell. I'm going again tomorrow!
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Vegetarianism - An ill wind
Even, betting or gambling, business activities or sport are all forms of hunting. Of course those of us in urban areas are in steady jobs or 'making a living' in far less adrenalin driven 'stressful' circumstances, but we still want to watch the football or the fight! read more
Jubilee Jollies
As part of my duties I have been reluctantly swept along with the furore and spent the last several shifts at work and at home being manipulated to construct huge gargantuan and grotesque figures for carnival floats and parades. If I see another pot of PVA or a red white and blue boater I am sure to lose it. read more
XMAS IS COMING THE GOOSE IS GETTING FAT…
Why is that some folk love the c-word and others loathe it? It’s a fact that not all Christians are aware of the true meaning of c-word. That, for instance so much honour and grace be attributed to overindulgence. Like weddings it’s a good excuse for getting drunk, having your picture taken and enjoying a good feed. However, most people are not that god fearing as too many simmering Brussels sprouts are usually scary enough. read more
DREAM MACHINE A Japanese toymaker claims to have invented a gadget that can help people control their dreams. Tokyo-based Takara Co says its Dream Workshop can be programmed to help sleepers choose who or what to dream about.
Dream on. Funny isn't how that the Japanese have to interfere with our dreams? Wasn't Pearl harbour enough interference? Why 'prompt' dreams? Research shows that during the average nights sleep we dream up to 400 times. That's dozens of times and hour. A dream can last ten minutes (Older people have to use the toilet in the interval) read more
SMALLEST 'GUITAR STRING' TO WEIGH ATOMS
Scientists hope that "playing" a tiny guitar string, the smallest ever created, will help unravel some of the secrets of the molecular world. The string, developed at Cornell University, US, is only 10 atoms across, a million times smaller than a normal guitar string. It is made from a carbon nanotube, formed from a sheet of carbon one atom thick and rolled into a cylinder. "As a scientist, the possibility that intrigues me the most is to be able to use it to, in essence, weigh things," explained Professor Paul McEwen, who helped pioneer the string. "If you imagine that you had a guitar string and you glued a little weight on to it. It would lower the frequency at which the guitar string vibrated, because the extra mass slows it down," he said. "The same thing happens here, but our string only has a few tens of thousands of atoms in it. So, just a few extra atoms, maybe even one, might shift the tone of the vibration enough for us to detect it." Little strings please little minds. A million times thinner than a guitar string? I knew a guy called Ron who used to roll fags that thin more...
TOP DOC BACKS PICKING YOUR NOSE AND EATING IT
Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor. Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies. He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up. Dr Bischinger says, "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner. And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system. Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. more...
Body Art in the workplace
Once strictly reserved for sailors, biker types and less than savoury individuals, Body Art has found its way into companies all over the world. Although some of the corporate world is adapting, not all companies are ready for studded and inked employees.
Generally, body art is still viewed as a negative thing in the professional world but with the melding of so many cultures employers may find they have to come up with a dress code that limits employees' "personal expression" while not impinging on their civil liberties, since many cultures incorporate tattooing and piercing into their religious and or cultural ceremonies.
The other problem that arises is consistency in setting rules. While it doesn't really matter if the computer guy sitting in the back room can set off a metal detector while in the next room since he doesn't deal with the public, you better believe the employees who do, will be quick to point out that it is unfair and that their rights have been violated. more...
Cannibals.. "Eat your heart out!"
A German man gets eight years for eating a consenting victim who wants to be slaughtered like a pig. We have no laws on cannibalism within the European justice system for willing human delicacies. What a surprise! These people have either crap cooks for parents or think that humanitarianism is the opposite of vegetarianism. It brings a whole new meaning to having friends over for a meal, doesn't it? Apparently Internet surfers who want to meet to literally 'have lunch with a friend' invite eager volunteers to come around for a 'bite' and start their own homemade 'carvery' after getting to know them over a glass of wine. And a 'pair of teeth' (aperitif?) is all that's left!! At what point did these people decide that a bucket of chicken was fowl and 'Tesco's finest Chinese for two' was a bit bland? What made these normal and neighbourly people conduct mutilations with no mango and lime chutney in sight? more...
Toys-R-fuss
Well, how do you like these apples?
My daughter of ten years came to breakfast one post-Christmas morning after much cajoling. Her eyes glazed and bearing a look of despair. She had a face as long as the A1 and that peculiarity when the arms distend past the knees that only seems to effect youngsters with a 'cob on' and seems to synchronise when you have to ask them to do something trivial. Like eat. The accompanying stoop of indifference and that expression that there might already be some 'damage in the attic'. You sense that all the 'chairs are not around their table' even if it is breakfast time. You know this by that look they reserve for fools and drunkards more...
Package Baggage
It always fries my brains when I have nothing more creative to do with my time than visit a computer store. It is a bit like sending a Brit soldier to the gulf without any body armour. I am always caught between the friendly fire of spotty computer experts who start rubbing themselves up against a flatscreen thinner than a fagpaper while explaining the difference between 12 bit and 16 bit digital processing. The ears loosen from the moorings I start to suck my thumb and playfully kick the heels. Apart from the ugliness of computer furniture, I have very little to say about it all as it is not my chosen field. I might add that I find the odd transition of white to black monitors although some sort of fashion statement will not be changed purely to match the cushions in my house. That, suffice to say, is hardly more excitement than I can possibly bear. more...
Where do you get your information from?
I have a theory. One of the conspiracy kind. Yes, I know the average 'conspiracy' theory has criticism levelled at it before it even gets off the ground. Experts dismiss such ramblings as some sort of inverted neurosis that is big on imagination and not so big on factual evidence. Economists of this thinking would like us all to believe that to blame 'big brother' is relinquishing our responsibility to give the 'powers that be' the benefit of the doubt. That plots against our society are a figment of the imagination. We are finding an excuse to blame the system. Trying to answer the answerable. Hey! That is the real conspiracy! The huge ongoing suspicion about Princess Diana's demise. That government funds are available to set up UFO programs. That toothpaste manufacturers are forced to put fluoride and other toxins into the tubes to break our will. If conspiracies are fanciful probes into fiction then why does the government spend so much money to try and dispel them? more...
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